Los Angeles, CA, Universal Studios, in the office of Barry Diller: Chairman and CEO of VIVENDI UNIVERSAL ENTERTAINMENT...
Barry Diller sat at his desk looking over the latest financial projections for the DVD releases of such shows as Quantum Leap and Battlestar Galactica. His eyes passed over the projections for the DVD release of Sliders and he could only smile. For the last few years his company had been bombarded by rabid fans longing for the return of the show in just about any form and now he had a plan. His phone rang and he picked it up.
"They're here? Tell them to meet me in the conference room. Thanks Sheila."
Diller left his office and headed for the conference room. Inside, Tracy Tormé and Robert Weiss sat on one side of the table and Bill Dial and David Peckinpah sat on the other. At the far end of the table were Marc Scott Zicree and Chris Black. Each pair seemed to want to stay as far away from the others as possible, as if some type of fight could break out at any moment.
Diller took his place at the head of the table and spoke, "I believe you all know why you've been called here."
David Peckinpah spoke, "I'm not exactly sure we do, Mr. Diller."
"David, look around you. What do you six have in common?" Diller arched an eyebrow as he spoke.
Bill Dial replied, "It's about that time travel show, isn't it? Sliders."
Tormé sighed. "It was never a time travel show."
"Well that one episode kind of was Tracy," Marc Scott Zicree said, quickly ducking in fear that Tracy might throw something at him.
Tracy sighed once again, "Bob, you get it right? It was a parallel world where time moved slower. It wasn't time travel."
Bob Weiss shrugged his shoulders. "I know Tracy, but those are the guys that thought it'd be funny to throw Wade into a rape camp and then turn her into a head in a fishbowl."
Peckinpah began to chuckle, "Ah, the rape camp. Still love that idea. Thought about using it in my new show The Dead Zone about a guy who touches dead people and travels through time, where he gets to have lots and lots of sex."
Diller shook his head. "Uhm... David, we're already doing a show called The Dead Zone. It's based on a Stephen King novel and stars Anthony Michael Hall. It's one of the highest rated shows on cable television!"
"Oh... so he touches dead people and travels through time and has lots of sex, right?" Peckinpah stopped for a moment as if he was in deep thought. "You need an Executive Producer?"
"NO, David." Diller shook his head again and thought to himself, Why would anyone hire this guy?
Chris Black spoke up from the other end of the table. "Mr. Diller, sir, why have you called us here? And would you please tell Bill to stop playing Solitaire."
Diller looked to Bill Dial who had pulled a deck of cards from his pocket and began to play Solitaire. "Bill. Put those away and pay attention." Dial sunk his head and put his cards away. "All right, let's get down to business. I was looking over the projections for the Sliders DVD releases and they're pretty high. Throw that with the fact that for the last few years we've been getting bombarded by fans that want the show back, and I decided we should bring back Sliders. You six were at one time or another the driving force behind the show and I'd like your thoughts on what we should do. What direction the show should go in."
"Well, I think Bob would agree with me on this; I haven't really watched the show since I left, but I think the driving force was always a healthy mix of action, adventure, comedy... and the alternate history should always be a big focus." Tracy sat back in his chair and shot a look at Bob Weiss. "Anything to add Bob?"
"I pretty much agree with Tracy, I mean, that's what we'd do if we had control again... and I'm sure Tracy would agree here: we would need to get the original cast back. Jerry O'Connell, Sabrina Lloyd, Cleavant Derricks and of course, we'd have to have John Rhys-Davies."
"Those troublemakers! Hell, Cleavant was the only one I could stand but after the last season we did I wouldn't even want him. Me, I'd use Kari Wuhrer, Robert Floyd and Tembi Locke. Then I'd cast some young hot chick that'd wear skimpy outfits and show off her... ahem... assets. Maybe one of those chicks from that Blue Crush movie. Yeah! That's it! Have them slide to a world made up of nothing but water and they pick up some hot-ass surfer chick that has nymphomaniac tendencies, then from there, we'd rip off... I mean, pay homage to... all of the big movies. Have Mallory get bitten by a genetically altered mosquito and become Mosquito-Man! And sex, lots and lots of sex! Cause you know sex sells! Don't you agree Bill?" Peckinpah turned to Dial.
"Huh what?" Dial quickly hid his cards again and replied, "Yeah, sounds great Dave, beautiful, exactly what I'd do."
"For the love of God! I can't believe you let these people run a show!" Tracy placed his hands on his temples in an attempt to relieve the headache that Peckinpah's pitch had given him.
"What?" Peckinpah asked. "Hey, at least when I had the show it had ratings!"
"Settle down you two," cut in Diller. "Marc, Chris, your thoughts?"
Chris Black spoke first. "Well, Marc and I have been talking and we'd want to go in a very similar direction to Tracy and Bob, but there's so much history and dangling plotlines from David and Bill's run that we'd start out with the Season 5 cast and try to get the show back to its roots while resolving as many of the dangling plotlines as we could."
"Yeah, resolve the different types of Kromaggs, Colin, Quinn/Mallory merger, decide if Wade is alive or dead." Marc shot a look at Tracy and spoke, "And maybe try to figure out which Arturo slid."
Tracy smiled. "I'm not telling, the clues are there."
Diller nodded his head. "For the most part..." He shot a look towards Peckinpah and Dial. "...good ideas, strong ideas, things the fans would like to see, but we still have one more pitch to hear before I make a decision." Diller pressed a button on a small speakerphone sitting on the table. "Sheila, would you please send in our guest?"
The door to the conference room opened and no one walked in.
"Uh... where is this person?" asked Tracy.
"Look down 'ere ya mook!"
All eyes swiveled towards the floor to see a gray sock with green hair smoking a cigar.
"What the hell?"
"I'm sure some of you are familiar with Ed The Sock, Canadian TV personality and come to find out a rather huge Sliders fan. The company he works for is one of our recent acquisitions. He called me the other day and asked about Sliders, said he would be very interested in pitching his ideas for a sixth season. So Ed, if you would be so kind."
"Be happy to boss, if onea dese mooks would help da sock onto da table."
"I am NOT touching that thing! Besides, isn't this a non-smoking building?" Bob countered.
"Da sock'll give ya non-smokin' ya mook!" Ed's stogie found it's way to Bob's leg.
"YEEEEEEOOOOOWWW! You burned me!"
"Dat's da idea. Now who's gonna put da sock on da table?"
Marc quickly picked Ed up and placed him on the table.
"Awright ya mooks dis is how it's gonna be, 10 episodes of pure sock. Da sock likes ta call it...
E6: Sliders Season Six
Da Sock's Way!
[While you read, download da Sock's proposed S6 theme song! It's a 662K instrumental remix of Big Sugar's Girl Watcher.]
6.01 | Da Sock Saves Da Show
Dis is da way da sock seez it. Tito comes flyin outta dat wormhole-thingy and lands in a basement. Maybe Tito tinks it's dat Q guys basement, but who does he find instead? Da sock, dat's right da sock. See da sock is a friggin' genius and da sock built one of dem slidin' machines outtuva pack a gum, a car battery and maybe some tin foil.
Tito's confused cause one, he ain't ever seen anything like da sock before and two, he's supposeta be home on a world filled with dem Magg guys. So da sock lights up a stogie and explains ta Tito dat he musta went to da wrong world, but da sock tells Tito if he'll sing some of his J5 hits, he'll take him back to get his friends: da chick wit' da overbite, da chick who useta do porn and dat guy who nobody really cares about, cept he's got dat Q fella insidea him.
Tito tries ta tell da sock he ain't Tito, but da sock don't buy it and makes him sing some "ABC" and den da sock opens one of dem wormhole-thingies and da sock and Tito jump in to go get Tito's friends. Da wormhole-thingy closes and from da shadows steps Huggs da Snuggle Bear. Dat damn demonic bear says somethin' bout getting revenge on da sock and da sliders and den vanishes thru another wormhole-thingy.
6.02 | Nobody Cares About Da Chick Wit' Da Overbite
Da sock and Tito land on dat world where everybody worships da Sliders and try ta find Tito's friends. Turns out dat bitchy chick whose dad da Seer died has dem locked up. So Da sock comes up wit' a plan to rescue dem, but tells Tito da chicks betta give da sock some lovin fer it. Tito tinks dat da sock's plan is dumb and tells da sock dat da sock won't get any lovin' even from da chick who useta do porn. Dis pisses da sock off so da sock busts into da prison guns ablazin' and singlehandedly recues Tito's friends.
While da sock is tryin' ta convince da chick who useta do porn to give da sock some lovin', dat bitchy chick whose dad died tries ta shoot Tito. Da chick wit' da overbite jumps in front of Tito and deflects da bullet wit' her teeth. Da bullet bounces off her teeth, ricochets off a wall, and hits da chick wit' da overbite straight thru da heart. She dies talkin' bout how she woulda given da sock some lovin'. Da sock picks up da sock's gun and puts about 50 rounds into da bitchy chick whose dad died's ass. She dies and everybody tries ta find some nice words ta say about da chick wit' da overbite, but nobody can, cause nobody really cared about da chick wit' da overbite.
Da sock tells da chick who useta do porn dat she should give him some lovin', but dat guy nobody really cares about cept he's got dat Q fella insidea him tells da sock ta lay off, so da sock burns his stupid mook arse wit' da stogie. Tito opens onea dem wormhole-thingies wit' da socks remote control thingy and dey all slide out. Outta nowhere dat damn Huggs Da Snuggle Bear shows up and just laughs... guess he thought somethin' was funny.
6.03 | Maggie Joins A Cult
Da sock and da rest of da sliders land on a world where nobody's got any hair and everybody wears white shirts and black pants. Turns out dis world is run by some kinda cult. Da sock could give a rat's arse bout some kinda cult so da sock goes ta get a beer and takes Tito and dat other guy dat nobody cares about cept he's got dat Q fella insidea him ta try and find a bar. Da chick dat useta do porn sez she wants ta do some snoopin' round ta find out what's goin' on on dis world.
On da way ta find a bar da sock and dem other two guys run into da sock's double. On dis world da sock's a friggin' mook! Da sock goes nuts and starts burnin' his double wit' da stogie. Tito gets worried and tells da sock and da guy nobody really cares bout cept dat he's got dat Q fella insidea him dat they need ta find da chick dat useta do porn and get ready fer da slide.
Meanwhile da porn chick starts talkin' ta somea dese folks on dis world and realizes she feels really bad about doin' da porn and wants to make amends, so she joins dis world's cult and decides to be a friggin' mook like everybody else on da planet.
Da sock, Tito and dat guy dat nobody cares about cept dat he's got dat Q fella insidea him find da chick dat useta do porn, but she ain't got no hair and is wearin' da same damn thing as every other mook on dis world. She tells dem she's gonna stay and be a part of da cult. Tito tries ta talk her outta it, but it don't work. Da sock just tells her she's a friggin' mook and burns her wit' da stogie. Da sock and da others open a wormhole-thingy and slide out.
Da camera pans back and we see a statue of da leader/founder of the cult. It's some mook janitor from New Jersey named Jeff Margulis and hangin' out on da statue's shoulder is dat Huggs Da Snuggle Bear and at mook is still laughin' his arse off... what da hell is so friggin' funny?
6.04 | Colin Needs Some Superglue
So now dat da chick dat useta do da porn is gone, da guys are getting' kinda bored. Den Tito mentions somethin' bout dat wooden guy dat was dat Q fella's brother. Since da sock is a friggin' genius da sock sez dat da sock'll figure out a way to get da wooden guy back. Tito tells da sock dat da wooden guy is unstuck. Well dat's all da sock needs ta know, if da wooden guy is unstuck den da sock'll just restick his wooden arse.
Da sock buys a big tub a' superglue and gets a fishin' net and a vacuum cleaner. Den da sock wires dat mess tagether and den hooks it up to da remote control thingy and a phone. Da sock uses da phone to "call" fer da wooden guy and when he answers da phone he uses da vacuum ta suck da wooden guy out of wherever he was. When da wooden guy hits da fishin' net, it's covered in superglue. Bingo, da wooden guy is restuck and dey all decide to go get a beer.
Da wooden guy wants ta know what happened to his brother dat Q fella and da chick dat useta do porn. Tito explains about da guy dat nobody really cares about cept dat he got dat Q fella insidea him and den tells da wooden guy dat da chick dat useta do da porn joined a cult fulla mooks on da last world.
Da wooden guy sez he'll miss da chick dat useta do porn and wants ta know if da sock can get his brother, da Q fella, outta da guy nobody cares about cept dat he's got dat Q fella insidea him. Da sock tells da wooden guy dat da sock'll come up wit' somethin'. Den Tito opens onea dem wormhole-thingies and everybody slides out. Den we see dis bald guy in a white shirt and black pants moppin' da floor. He flashes a devious grin and dat damn Huggs da Snuggles bear pops outta nowhere and sez "Soon Jeff, very soon they will be ours."
6.05 | Mallory Dies
So da sock's been thinkin' bout how ta get dat Q fella outta da guy nobody cares about cept dat he's got dat Q fella insidea him. So da sock figures dat something' like what he used to get dat wooden guy back might do da trick. So da sock builds another device usin' a vaccum and an alarm clock. Da sock figures if da sock can wake up dat Q fella den he can suck him outta da guy nobody cares about cept dat he's got dat Q fella insidea him. Da sock turns on da alarm clock and da guy nobody cares about falls down and starts screamin'. Da sock shoves a hose down his throat. Slowly somebody starts crawlin' outta da guy nobody cares about cept dat he's got dat Q fella insidea him. And finally da guy nobody cares about pukes up dat Q fella.
Da guy nobody cares about cept dat he useta have dat Q fella insidea him tells everybody after dat he needs a beer and Tito, da wooden guy and da sock agree, but they ain't getting a beer until dat Q fella takes a damn shower.
All da guys go fer a beer and tell dat Q fella everythin' dat's happened. Tito sings some of his hits from his J5 days much to da sock's delight and everybody pretty much gets plastered.
Right before it's time ta slide, da guy nobody cares about cept dat he useta have dat Q fella insidea him gets hit by a bus an' dies. Everyone just kinda shrugs their shoulders and da sock sets da guy nobody cared about on fire wit' da stogie right before dey slide out. Once da wormhole-thingy closes we see Jeff da Janitor and Huggs da Snuggle Bear roastin' marshmallows over da guy nobody cares about cept dat he useta have dat Q fella insidea him's body.
6.06 | Da Sock Gets Lucky
Da title sez it all, don't it?
While da other guys are hangin' out atta hotel, da sock decides dat da sock needs beer, women, stogies and lovin'. So da sock heads down to a bar and fills da sock's night wit' beer and lovin'... lots of lovin'.
While da sock is getting' da sock's groove on, from out of da shadows appears dat damn Huggs da Snuggle Bear. He attacks da sock and drags da sock to da back where Jeff da Janitor and dat Q fella's chick double are waitin'. Huggs starts tellin' da sock bout how da sock will pay fer sleepin' wit' Huggs' wife and den Jeff da Janitor and dat Q fella's chick double are gonna kill da sock's friends.
Da sock's just been playin' possum and once Huggs finishes talkin', da sock rises up and burns Huggs wit' da stogie. Da little stuffed bear quickly catches on fire and starts screamin'. Jeff da Janitor grabs a bucketa water and throws it on Huggs. Den they run off. Dat Q fella's chick double starts to run off but da sock stops her. "Ya got two choices, either da sock can burn ya wit' da stogie and mess up dat pretty face a yers or ya can give da sock some lovin'. Or is da sock too much sock fer ya?"
Needless ta say, da sock got some lovin'.
6.07 | Fishbowl
Da sock and da sliders land in an abandoned Magg-guys camp and Tito and dat Q fella start getting' dese weird headaches. Dey all wander into dis burned out lab and Tito realizes where dey are.
Tito and dat Q fella start hearin' somebody callin' dere names. Da wooden guy and da sock think dere both goin' nuts, but den dey find what looks likea fishbowl attached to a weird machine. Inside da fishbowl dey find dat chick with a guy's name's head. She's still alive, but she;'s just a head in a freakin' fishbowl.
Da sock figures outta way to build a portable doo-hickey to keep da chick wit a guy's name alive without all dat machinery. Den da sock sez dat da sock'll figure out some way to get da chick wit' a guy's name a friggin' body so dat she ain't gotta be just a friggin' head in a fishbowl.
6.08 | A Kromagg Christmas
Da sliders find themselves on da Magg-guys homeworld. Thinkin' dere gonna get killed da sock lights up a fresh stogie and gets ready ta start burnin' Magg-mook arse all over da place, but once da sliders start lookin' round dey realize it's Christmastime on Magg-guy world.
Da sliders take in all da Christmas sights and even get into da spirit wit' da Magg-guys, singin' songs and boogiein' da night away. Da Magg-guys tell da sliders dey ain't really evil, it's just dat all of the Magg-guys suffer from extreme PMS and cramps. Da sock tells dem to quit eaten eyeballs and takin' over worlds and just take some Midol.
Da Magg-guys take some Midol and suddenly feel a lot better. To repay da sliders for makin' da Magg-guys feel better da Magg-guys clone a new body for da chick wit a guy's name dat's just a head in a fishbowl and tell da sliders dat dey left dere buddy da fat guy on dat world wit' da blue bridge.
Da chick wit' a guy's name shows everybody dat she's not just a head in a friggin' fishbowl anymore and gives Tito and dat Q fella a big hug. Den dat Q fella tells her he's happy she got her body back and dat dey should make wit' da lovin'. Seems da sock's rubbin' off on da Q fella.
Da Magg-guys also tell dem dat da wooden guy ain't da Q fella's brother. He's a clone of da Q fella dat dey made to try to trap da sliders, so da Q fella's from da same earth as Tito and da chick wit a guy's name. Da wooden guy suddenly remembers all dis and tells dem he wants ta stay wit' da Magg-guys cause dey say dere gonna change dere ways and be nice from now on.
Da Magg-guys give da sliders da co-ordinate-things ta get to dat blue bridge world and dey slide out.
6.09 | Somethin' Bout A Bridge
On da world wit' da blue bridge, da group finds da fat guy and dey all reunite. Dat Q fella convinces da chick wit' a guy's name to give up some lovin' and dey decide to get married when dey get home.
Da sock, da fat guy and dat Q fella figure out a way to get dem all home by hookin' up the timer to a divining rod, a quantum phase interocitor an' a piece a cheese, but den Jeff the Janitor shows up wit' dat Q fella's chick double. Dey've got da burnt remains of Huggs da Snuggle Bear wit' dem and dey swear dey're gonna kill da sliders unless dey help fix Huggs.
Da sock sez da sock ain't helpin' dem but he'll give some more lovin' to dat Q fella's chick double. So dat Q fella's chick double kicks Jeff da Janitor and what's left of Huggs da Snuggle Bear off a bridge so she can get some more sock lovin'. After da sock gives out some sock lovin' he opens one of dem wormhole-thingies and da group plus dat Q fella's chick double all jump in.
6.10 | Da Last Episode aka "Return of Da J5"
Da sliders are home, da sock's getting' lovin from dat Q fella's chick double, da fat guy's eatin' a pizza, dat Q fella and da chick wit' a guy's name are getting' married and Tito wants ta start his career back up.
Da sock sez reunite da J5, but Tito tries ta tell him he wasn't in da J5. Da sock threatens ta burn Tito wit' da stogie, so Tito arranges a J5 reunion ta take place during dat Q fella and da chick wit' a guy's name's wedding. Da J5 rock da house and Tito thanks da sock fer givin' him da idea.
Da sock drinks some beers, smokes some stogies, burns some friggin' mooks and gets da lovin' on wit dat Q fella's chick double... and dat's just at da reception. After da weddin' da sock and dat Q fella's chick double decide ta keep slidin' and keep lovin' all across da multiverse.
Diller looked Ed the Sock over very carefully. "Those are some... interesting ideas you have there, Ed."
"What in the heck are you talking about? He's stealing MY ideas! You know all that lovin' is just sex! And sex is my idea! Isn't that right Bill?" Peck shoved Bill Dial, who quickly hid his playing cards once again.
"Oh yeah, whatever you say Dave."
"Ya friggin' mooks! Da sock don't steal from nobody! Dat's it da sock ain't takin' anymore a dis crap!"
Ed jumped off the table and started burning David Peckinpah and Bill Dial repeatedly.
"For the love of God, make it stop!!!!!!!!" Peck screamed.
"Run ya friggin' pansies! Run like da mooks dat ya are!"
Peck and Dial fled screaming from the conference room, leaving Barry Diller, Tracy Tormé, Bob Weiss, Marc Scott Zicree and Chris Black alone with Ed.
"Well, I think I've made my decision," Diller said.
"And?" Ed asked.
"You've got some really great ideas Ed, but I think it's in the show's best interest to go with Tracy and Bob. However, I want you two to work very closely with Marc and Chris. Between the four of you it should be the biggest thing this side of The Dead Zone."
Everyone backed away from Ed; no one knew what he'd do next.
"Dat's cool boss, dese guys know what dey're doin'. Da sock trusts 'em."
"You know Ed," put in Tracy, "you've got some nice ideas yourself. How would you feel about a recurring role? Kind of like Bennish in Season One?"
"We'll talk Trace, but fer now da has ta go chase down dat dumbass Peckinpah. Da sock feels like some mook burnin'!"