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The Gopher Part I - Week of Hell
Chapter IV - Change of Curriculum


(Monday)

[ We see Joey on a crowded sidewalk jumping up and down and yelling. ]

Narrator: Well, it's Monday... or Tuesday or Saturday or something. Back to school. I can't even use my car this time. Miss Stillman kept it when I went to Peck's. I have to hail a cab.

[ Eventually, a taxi pulls up to the curb. Joey steps inside. He's shocked at who is driving. ]

Joey: Trav? What are YOU doing here?
Travis: This is my job, idiot. What do you THINK I do, work for some idiot in an office building doing stupid chores all day long? That would suck a fat one!
Joey: [under his breath] More than you know.
Travis: Where to?
Joey: HKHS.
Travis: Will do... and Stillman BETTER be in a good mood, or it's your ass!
Narrator: I couldn't stop thinking about the low blow Da gave me. I thought I'd felt really, really stupid. Then I started to feel REAL stupidity...

[ Joey is suddenly in Miss Stillman's class. ]

Miss Stillman: This is a very important speech, and there are going to be some big changes, so you better listen!
Joey: Oh, please, not again.
Miss Stillman: After I realized that my boyfriend Joey is coming of age, I decided that I had to do something so he'd be ready when we reached that special point in our relationship...
Joey: Oh no.
Miss Stillman: So, I'm shifting this class' focus from English... to human sexuality.

[ The class cheers. Miss Stillman smiles and winks at Joey. ]

Miss Stillman: We'll start with a live-action display of the human body. Joey, come on up to the front and take off all your clothes on the way!

[ Later, Joey is in Peck's office, spaced out with a blank look on his face as Peck talks. ]

Peck: So, Joey...
Joey: What now?
Peck: I'm executive producing a TV special right now while I'm doing our movie. I call it "The Talk." In it I'll be able to tell my kids about sex without actually being there! It's perfect!
Joey: [snickering] You oughta go to my English class. That's the main focus now!
Peck: [agitated] Really? Are you serious? You have got to tape it for me, Joey! I'll get you a camcorder!
Joey: Look, Peck, can't you give me a break or something?
Peck: I guess you're right, Joey. You do need a break.
Joey: Um, thanks.
Peck: Yeah, I'm also executive producing this other project. It's the sequel to "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?." Have you heard of that show?
Joey: Yeah, but what's that got to do with...
Peck: Well, the sequel is called "SON OF Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?." Anyhow, my millionaire cancelled on me today so I need to find a replacement.
Joey: Oh no! No! No! No!
Peck: Hey, it's all just an act! You don't really have to be a multimillionaire. It's just for show!
Joey: No! No! No!

[ That night, Peck watches on his television set. On the TV is a stage. The announcer and three women are there. ]

Announcer: And the winner is... Larva Bosch of New York, New York!

[ A tall woman with long, curly blond hair and a very tight dress jumps up and down. ]

Larva: [ecstatic] Woohoo! I win!
Announcer: And now, your mystery multimillionaire... Joey Simms!

[ Joey walks out onto the stage. Larva hugs him tight. ]

Announcer: What do you have to say, Joey?
Joey: [reluctant] Larva... Will you marry me?
Larva: Oh, yes, Joey! Yes!
Narrator: And then I suddenly remembered Miss Stillman...
Joey: Oh no.
Narrator: ... but it was too late.
Announcer: Well, we'll get the two of you married right away! Then you can go off on your honeymoon on our very special plane, the Honeymoon on Wings!
Larva: Where are we going?
Announcer: Fantastic Hollywood!
Larva: Woohoo!
Joey: But I live there!

[Joey and Larva are alone together on the "Honeymoon on Wings" after the end of "Son of Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?."]

Joey: Um, I have a confession to make...
Larva: What?
Joey: Uh... I don't know how to say this... I'm not really a multimillionaire.
Larva: Oh, that's okay... I'm not really a woman.

[ We see a close-up of Joey as he gasps for air.
The next thing Joey remembers, he's in a hotel room. He's sitting on a bed as Larva stands in front of him. ]

Larva: I'll be right back, honey! I just have to powder my nose for this very special night!

[ Larva goes into the bathroom. As soon as Larva is out of sight, Joey quickly, frantically dives for the phone. He picks up the receiver. ]

Joey: [panicked] Room service! I need two glasses of champagne. Load one of them with the strongest sedatives you got!

[ As soon as Joey hangs up the phone, Larva walks back out of the bathroom. She absently runs her fingers through her hair as she talks. ]

Larva: [seductive] So... What do you want to do now?
Joey: [stalling] Um, I don't know, but I'm sure I can think of something while I'm sitting here thinking... of stuff... to do... you know...
Larva: Why are you stalling?
Joey: Um... no reason... I just am... because... I am...

[ Joey sighs with relief when he hears a knock on the door. He answers it and sees that his two drinks have been delivered with a champagne bottle. He takes them and gives the hotel staffer ten dollars. ]

Joey: [whispering] Thanks SO MUCH! You just saved my life!

[ Joey turns around. ]

Larva: Champagne?! You SHOULDN'T have! Wow, you're the greatest!

[ Larva takes one of the glasses and drinks it down in one gulp. Joey drinks the other one. Joey giggles slightly. He suddenly passes out. ]

(Tuesday)

[ Joey wakes up to the sound of a phone ringing. He's in a huge, elaborate bed. Larva sleeps right beside him. Joey answers it. ]

Joey: Yeah?
Peck: Hey, Joey. This is David Peckinpah. Sorry you couldn't come to the phone right now, so I guess...
Joey: [interrupting] I'm here.
Peck: [surprised] Oh! All right. The plane is all ready. All you have to do is meet me at the airport!
Joey: I thought we didn't leave until Wednesday!
Peck: What are you talking about? It IS Wednesday!
Joey: It's Tuesday.
Peck: Look. We've been through this before. Do I have to remind you? Weekends are only one day now! Yesterday was Tuesday.
Joey: Whatever. Wasn't I supposed to be on some kind of vacation?
Peck: No, that was part of the act. Your job is NEVER done! Get down here; I don't want to have to drive down there and kidnap you!
Narrator: He'll do it, too.
Joey: I'll be there. Just give me a few minutes to say goodbye to Larva.

[ Joey hangs up and gets out of bed. The phone suddenly rings again. Joey answers it and hears a woman crying profusely. ]

Joey: [into the phone] Miss Stillman?
Miss Stillman: [crying] How COULD you?! You're so CRUEL! You married another woman on NATIONAL TV?!
Narrator: Yeah, she watched it.
Joey: Look, Miss Stillman, it was all an act!

[ Joey hears Miss Stillman sniffle a few times. ]

Miss Stillman: Really?
Joey: Yeah.
Miss Stillman: So you still love me?
Joey: Yeah.
Miss Stillman: And you're not really married?
Joey: Well, I am, legally, but I can get an annulment!
Miss Stillman: Oh, that's great! I love you, Joey! Come down to my house... I have a surprise for you...
Joey: I can't. I have to go. Peck's making me go on a bunch of business trips.
Miss Stillman: What? When will I see you?
Joey: When Peck's done with me.
Miss Stillman: So, you'll be away for a long time?
Joey: Well... yes.
Miss Stillman: [crying again] WAAAAAAAH!!!

[ Joey hears Miss Stillman sniffle a few more times. ]

Miss Stillman: Wait... we can work it out! Tell me when you're done, so we can go out!
Joey: Uh huh. I'll see you soon! Bye!
Miss Stillman: Goodbye, my precious snuggly-poo!

[ Joey hangs up and shudders. ]

Narrator: I swear, that woman LOVES pet names. At least she's not as creepy as Larva.
Joey: Hey, Larva.
Larva: [half-asleep] What?
Joey: I have to go. I have a job to do for my boss.
Larva: [half-asleep] Okay. Bye.
Narrator: Well, that's one week out of the way!

[ Joey walks out of the hotel room. ]


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NEXT: Part II and Rejection
Angry Englishman.
Bitter Chicagowoman.
Hospitable LA-dude.
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