The Gopher Part II - Recruitment of Pain
Chapter I - Rejection

[ Joey boards an airplane, finds his seat, and sits right down. He's asleep in seconds.
When he wakes up, Joey looks around and finds Keith Damron sitting next to him. ]

Joey: [surprised] Lunchboy? What're YOU doing here?
Lunchboy: Hey, Joey. Peck sent me.
Joey: What?
Lunchboy: He wanted me to give you the final edition of the screenplay. Here you go!

[ Lunchboy hands Joey a script. Joey absently flips through it. ]

Lunchboy: That's to help you get those folks to work for us!
Joey: So are you going to help me recruit these actors?
Lunchboy: Oh, Lord no! That's not MY job! It's all yours, buddy!
Joey: [sarcastic] Great.
Lunchboy: I hope you have a great time in Merry Olde England! I'm going back to the States on a return flight once I get there.
Joey: England? Who am I going after anyway?
Lunchboy: John Rhys-Davies. He lives there. He hates Peck more than everyone else in the cast put together! You'll have fun!
Joey: Who do I visit after him?
Lunchboy: Sabrina Lloyd has this new sitcom project going on in Chicago. Jerry & Charlie O'Connell live in New York City. Cleavant Derricks is back in Los Angeles. Kari Wuhrer has a new cable show in Miami, but I think she's still having that affair with Peck.
Narrator: Oh, yeah. Her. She was the reason why I kept having to come up with alibis for Peck to get away with cheating on his wife.
Lunchboy: And Robert Floyd and Tembi Locke finally got together. I think they're living together in San Diego.
Joey: So how do I find John Rhys-Davies' house?
Lunchboy: I have no idea. You'll have to find a phone book or something once you get there.

[ Joey yawns. ]

Joey: [sleepy] So, what do I do once I've found everyone?
Lunchboy: Well, let me know after you find Robert and Tembi. Did I ever tell you about the first time I met those two. It was a Monday, and I remember it because I was walking into my office wearing slacks, which was the style at the time, and...

[ As Lunchboy talks, Joey quickly falls alseep.
We see the plane land in a British airport and hear the British national anthem. Shortly after, Joey is walking down a British street by himself with a brochure in his hand. Billy Idol's song "Mony Mony" blares from a nearby boombox. ]

Narrator: I tried to get a phone book at the airport, but all I could find was a brochure for American tourists. I'm still not clear on what a "lift" or a "wanker" is, but at least I get to do a little sightseeing.

[ Joey walks by one of those Buckingham palace guards. ]

Narrator: This is a great change. It seems like lately everybody has been beating up on me to make themselves feel good.

[ The guard suddenly punches him in the eye. Joey looks around, not knowing what hit him. He looks over at the guard, who giggles briefly.
Joey finds himself at John Rhys-Davies' doorstep. He knocks on the door. ]

Narrator: I don't even remember how I got here. I used a phone book, the Internet, and a hell of a lot of cabs. I was just praying this guy wouldn't hate me. He's my hero! He's the best actor alive!

[ The door opens, revealing the familiar face of John Rhys-Davies. ]

John: Yes?
Joey: [nervous] Oh, um... Excuse me... I, uh...
John: Get to the point.
Joey: I'm... Joey Simms... I'm here to... talk to you about Sliders...
John: What about it?
Joey: We're making a movie, and we wanted to ask you to come back!
John: Hmmm... Come in.

[ Joey walks into John's house. He follows John to his dining room table. ]

John: Go ahead and sit down. I was just making coffee.

[ Joey sits down on one of the chairs as John goes into the kitchen. He comes out with a mug of steaming coffee in his hands. ]

John: Did you want some?
Joey: Um, no thanks.
John: Fine. Tell me about this movie.
Joey: Well, you play the part of the college professor...
John: [slightly grouchy] I know THAT! Tell me about the movie! Who's executive producing it?
Joey: Um... David Peckinpah.
John: You expect me to work on a PECKINPAH PRODUCTION?!
Joey: [nervous] Uh... If you want.

[ John extends the hand holding his coffee mug. He pours the contents of the mug right on Joey's crotch. Even though Joey is tearing up and his heart races in his chest, he somehow finds the courage not to panic. He stares right at John Rhys-Davies. ]

Joey: Does this mean... ?
John: [interrupting] Get out.

[ Joey holds up a copy of the screenplay. ]

Joey: You want to see... ?
John: [interrupting] Get out.

[ Joey gets up and tries to bravely walk away, but soon finds himself running out as fast as his feet will carry him. Joey runs up to a nearby pay phone and dials a number. ]

Peck: [over the phone] Yeah?
Joey: Hey, it's Joey. Um, I have a problem...
Peck: Did JRD scare you?
Joey: He won't do the project as long as you're the exec producer!
Peck: Huh. Well, we don't really need him. Just go after Sabrina Lloyd next.

[ Joey finds himself in a Chicago airport. ]

Narrator: Well, I made it to Chicago. Now all I have to do is find Sabrina Lloyd!

[ Joey steps off the airplane and looks around. At the other end of a huge crowd, he notices a woman he recognizes instantly. ]

Joey: [panicked] SABRINA! WAIT!

[ The woman doesn't respond. Apparently she is ignoring him. Joey bolts after her, elbowing his way through what seems like millions of other travelers. He chases Sabrina through the airport all the way to the parking garage, yelling her name constantly. By the time Joey is even close to catching up to Sabrina, she is already walking to her car. ]

Joey: [yelling] SABRINA!!!!!

[ Sabrina Lloyd eventually hears this and, with a scared look on her face, runs for her car. Joey runs after her. Eventually, Sabrina reaches her car. She pops the trunk and throws in the luggage she is carrying. She forgets to close the trunk and goes into the car. Joey sees her dial a number on her cellular phone. Joey notices she's left the trunk door wide open. ]

Narrator: This seemed like the only way I could get to talk to her.

[ Joey leaps into the trunk and shuts it. He hears Sabrina talking. ]

Sabrina: [obviously into the phone] Yeah, hi, honey! ... Oh, not much. I'm on my way home from the airport...

[ Joey hears the car starting and feels it as it backs out of the parking spot and drives out the garage. ]

Sabrina: Yeah... Uh huh... Well, the flight was fine, but when I was leaving the airport some psycho kept calling my name... I have no idea... No... Ah, well, it's not a big deal... Yeah, I'll be home in an hour or two... Bye...
Narrator: By the time we were out of the parking garage, I was out cold.

[ We hear Joey snoring from the trunk.
Joey suddenly finds himself out in the middle of a road. Various cars (all of which are going in reverse) barrel at him trunk-first and he runs off onto a sidewalk. He suddenly sees one car whose trunk pops open and shut, and Joey realizes he's staring into the car's mouth. The trunk is lined with huge, yellow teeth and a huge tongue comes flying out. Joey turns around only to see Sabrina kick him right into the car. He fights, flailing his arms as the car's tongue encircles his body. The last thing he sees is Scooby Doo riding by on a unicycle. Scooby Doo looks Joey in the eyes, arches his eyebrows downward in contempt, and gives him the finger.
The next thing Joey hears is Sabrina Lloyd's voice, and he realizes he's wide awake again. ]

Sabrina: [angry, panicky] WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!

[ Joey looks up. It's the middle of the day, and Joey is in the fetal position. The trunk is wide open, and Sabrina Lloyd stares right back down at him. She grabs her suitcase, takes it out of the trunk, and sets it aside. ]

Joey: Oh! Hi, Sabrina! I'm Joey!
Sabrina: [confused] Joey?
Joey: I'm Joey Simms. I'm representing the producers of Sliders. We wanted to talk to you about doing a Sliders movie!
Sabrina: A movie based on that TV show Sliders?
Joey: Uh huh.
Sabrina: Interesting. Do you have a copy of the screenplay?

[ Joey hands Sabrina his copy of the screenplay. ]

Sabrina: [reading] This isn't much of a role... and I have to do about five sex scenes... and I die a pretty humiliating death. Why should I take this job?
Joey: It'd be fun?
Sabrina: Who's your boss, kid?
Joey: Maybe I better not say...
Sabrina: Spill it.
Joey: David Peckinpah.

[ Sabrina literally throws the screenplay right back at him and angrily shuts the trunk door. ]

Narrator: Well, I won't waste any time explaining how I got out of this one... But I was on the plane to LA the next day.

[ We see a plane taking off from the airport in Chicago and landing in an airport in Los Angeles. Joey steps off the plane and looks around the airport. We then see him at a pay phone. ]

Joey: Peck?
Peck: Yeah, Joey, what's up?
Joey: I couldn't get Sabrina either.
Peck: [angry] WHAT?!
Joey: She doesn't want to work with you.
Peck: Well, whatever. You're already in LA, so go after Cleavant Derricks next. I can tell you right now where he lives...

[ We see Joey knocking on the door to Cleavant Derricks' house. Cleavant opens the door. ]

Cleavant: Didn't you read the sign? No soliciting!
Joey: Wait! I'm not a solicitor! I work with Sliders!
Cleavant: Sliders?! The TV show? Come on in.

[ Joey walks in Cleavant's house and looks around. ]

Joey: Wow, this is really nice!
Cleavant: So, who do you work for?
Joey: Um, David Peckinpah.
Cleavant: Oh!

[ Joey's heart skips a beat. ]

Cleavant: Great! Any friend of Peck's is a friend of mine!

[ Joey sighs with relief. ]

Cleavant: Let's talk in the dining room.

[ Joey and Cleavant stand at one end of the dining room, on opposite ends of the glass back door of the house. It's wide open, and Cleavant stares out at it. ]

Cleavant: So, do you have a copy of the screenplay?
Joey: Right here!

[ Joey hands Cleavant the screenplay. Cleavant flips through it. ]

Cleavant: Sure, I'll do a Sliders movie!
Narrator: Finally, someone who would agree with me for once!
Joey: Oh, thank you SO MUCH for doing this for me!
Cleavant: Doing what? I'm not acting in THIS script!

[ Cleavant throws the script out the window. A horde of angry Rottweilers run up to it. They bite it to shreds and relieve themselves on it.]

Joey: Well, that's probably an improvement for THAT script. Would you agree to act in it if the dogs took out that love scene between you and Kari?
Cleavant: Oh, hell no. That was my favorite part!
Joey: Will you do the movie if I come back with a better script?
Cleavant: You betcha.

[ We see Joey walking out of Cleavant's house as Cleavant's family waves goodbye. ]

Narrator: Well, I recruited one. I'm not even going to try the rest until I have a better script, and I know just the place to get one, and Peck never even has to know...

[ We see Joey at another doorstep. Tracy Tormé opens the door. Contrary to his name, Tracy is far from female. He's a huge, burly man whose stare leaves Joey a bit intimidated. ]

Joey: Tracy Tormé! Hey!
Tracy: What do you want?
Joey: I need your help! Remember me?
Tracy: No.
Joey: I joined the crew of Sliders on your last day. My boss is David Peckinpah!
Tracy: Let me think... Oh, yeah, now I remember you! I warned you that without me the show would only last 2.5 more years. Was I right?
Joey: Yeah!
Tracy: Whoa! What do you need from me?
Joey: Sliders production is doing a Sliders movie, and our screenplay is really crappy, so we wanted you to write a new one!
Tracy: Absolutely not!

[ Tracy slams the door, but Joey sticks his foot in before it can go all the way. Joey grimaces at how hard Tracy pushes the door. ]

Tracy: I'm done with Sliders! Forever!
Joey: Please write the script! You created Sliders, and you're the only one who can do it RIGHT!
Tracy: No! I have other projects now!
Joey: Please?
Tracy: No!

[ Joey gives up and moves his foot. He hangs his head as Tracy slams the door. ]

Narrator: I've got to find a way to get him to do this!

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ˇ The "big star" agrees.
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