The Gopher Part I - Week of Hell
Chapter III - Change of Residence


[ Joey lays on the living room couch with Miss Stillman, watching TV. ]

Narrator: I love Saturday mornings. All I have to do is watch TV with my girlfriend, and she's actually fun to hang out with on weekends! How hard can it be?

[ Joey hears the phone ring. Mr. Simms answers it. ]

Joey's Dad: Joey? ... Yeah... Here you go.

[ Mr. Simms throws the cordless phone at Joey. It hits him in the forehead. Joey picks it up off the ground. ]

Joey: What do you want, Peck?
Peck: How did you know it was me?
Joey: Call it a hunch. What did you want?
Peck: There's something VERY important I have to tell you... but it has to be at my house. Come down here as fast as you can!
Joey: Why don't we meet at the office?
Peck: Just come down to my house!
Joey: I don't even know where you live!
Peck: I'm in the green house.

[ With a click, Peck hangs up on him. Joey looks over at Miss Stillman. ]

Miss Stillman: You have to go somewhere? Where are you going?
Joey: Down to Peck's...
Miss Stillman: [nagging] How long will you be gone? Who's gonna be there? Huh?
Joey: Take it easy. I'm just going down to Peck's to get my life ruined. Nobody is going to be there except Peck and his family.
Miss Stillman: Oh, Joey, don't play coy with me! I remember you telling me Peck's wife is sweet on you!
Joey: Yeah, she is, but I would NEVER cheat on you, especially not with her.
Narrator: If I ever did cheat on her, it wouldn't be with my boss' fat wife. Eww!
Miss Stillman: Okay! Have a good time!

[ Joey finds himself alone in the living room of Peckinpah's house. A teenage girl walks in and silently sits down, followed by a younger boy and an even younger child whose gender Joey can't quite make out. The teenage girl looks at him and smiles, and Joey notices the girl and Joey are the same age. ]

Narrator: Yeah, she's even more beautiful than Miss Stillman. This is the first time I actually met her, though. She goes to Gess-Cisneros High. GCHS and HKHS are bitter rivals. At least that's what the popular people in my school tell me.
Peck was telling me about his oldest daughter. When she was born, Peck saw her umbilical cord and assumed she was a boy. By the time the doctor told him different, her name was already set in stone: "David Jr." Everyone calls her "Da." That's Russian for "Yes"... or something.

[ Peck's wife comes in. She stares at Joey with some sort of admiration. ]

Narrator: That's Peck's wife, Sandy. She's got the hots for me, but she pretends not to. She's about two months pregnant.
I really wish there were people my age who have a thing for me... although dating a teacher can be fun sometimes.
Sandy: Oh Joey! ... [shouting] PECK! Get over here! Your little friend is here!

[ Peck walks into the living room. Joey looks at him. ]

Peck: All right. It's time for another Peckinpah family meeting.
Da: [bored] Oh God.
Joey: How do you usually do these things?
Da: [bored] Peck's going to make an opening statement.

[ Peck goes up to the center of the room. Joey rolls his eyes. ]

Peck: This is a very important speech, and there are going to be some big changes, so you better listen!
Joey and Sandy: [in unison] You finally finished puberty?
Peck: No, nothing that big... I'm just moving.
Sandy: What?!
Peck: This Sliders movie is very important to me, so for the next few months while I'm producing it, I'll be living at the office!
Da: Finally.
Peck: Yes, it's true.

[ Joey gets up. ]

Joey: That's great. I think I'll be going now...
Peck: [interrupting] And my trusted faithful companion, Joey, will be living with me!
Joey: What?! You can't be serious!
Peck: Oh, but I am, Young Joey. I am!
Joey: There has to be some law against this!
Peck: Nope, but if there was, not a judge in LA would convict me. They all owe me favors after I let them pay me for nights in the judge's chambers with guest actresses from Sliders!
Joey: Even female judges?
Peck: Yep. So you and I are gonna be roomies, Roomy!

[ Minutes later, Joey is on the telephone. ]

Joey: Come on, Dad! You've got to help me out here! Peck's making me live with him!
Joey's Dad: Good.
Joey: What?!
Joey's Dad: You're Mr. Peckinpah's fourth child now, son. Have a good life!
Joey: [panicky] Wait! Get my girlfriend on the phone! Is she still there?

[ With a click, the conversation ends. Joey hangs up the phone. ]

Narrator: I didn't even bother calling back. I'm screwed.
Peck: [calling from far away] Get in the car, Roomy!
Narrator: That night was hardly an improvement.

[ Joey finds himself getting hit by a semi. He is then ascending into the clouds toward Heaven. Miss Stillman and Da are winged angels welcoming him with open arms. Just when Joey smiles, a large, red hand grabs him by the ankle. He screams as he's dragged millions of vertical feet into an area of fire, brimstone, and lawyers. Peck, wearing a red devil costume with a pitchfork, laughs and looks him in the eyes. ]

Peck: [low, creepy voice] Get in the car, Roomy!

[ Joey screams at the top of his lungs. He then sees Scooby Doo riding by on a unicycle behind Peck. Scooby Doo looks Joey in the eyes, arches his eyebrows downward in contempt, and gives him the finger.
Joey wakes up from this nightmare. Instead of sitting bolt upright, Joey finds himself pinned by a sleeping Peck. The two of them are sleeping on a desk. A few sheets cover them. ]

Narrator: I was being messed with by Scooby Doo. He must be in cahoots with Peck.
Peck: [half-asleep] Careful, honey. I'm known for occasionally wetting the bed.
Narrator: I guess it could be worse.
Peck: [half-asleep] Did you need something, Kari?
Narrator: No, it couldn't.


[ It's the exact same scene, only the middle of the day. ]

Narrator: I've been awake since seven, but I'm pinned under this idiot until he wakes up.

[ The phone begins to ring. Peck answers it. ]

Peck: [in the phone] Yeah? Hey, Bruce... Yeah, don't worry, we're still buds... I can't have you over for dinner tonight... I'm busy... Sorry, man... Maybe later... Bye!
Narrator: Bruce Boxleitner is Peck's best friend. He was some actor on this TV show, Babylon 5. How Peck has any friends is beyond me, but Bruce is one of them.

[ Peck hangs up the phone and looks at Joey. ]

Peck: Hey, Joey, I know I'm an early riser, but you know what they say about the early bird!
Joey: It's not early.

[ Peck looks over at a clock in the corner. It reads "12:42." ]

Peck: Oh, man, I don't get nearly enough sleep!
Joey: Neither do I, but you don't have nightmares that end with Scooby Doo riding by on a unicycle giving you the finger!
Peck: Can't say I have.

[ Lunchboy, Bill Dial, Black, Cajero, and Leonard walk into the room. ]

Bill Dial: Are you ready to do some work?
Joey: Isn't it the weekend? Don't you people do stuff on the weekend?
Peck: What are you talking about? Today's a weekday!
Joey: It's Sunday!
Bill Dial: Didn't you tell him, Peck?
Peck: I thought I did.
Joey: What?
Bill Dial: Peck wanted to get this movie done in the shortest amount of time, so he dropped Sundays.
Joey: Huh?
Bill Dial: From now on, we only have six days in a week and one day for weekends, no Sunday. So really today's Monday.
Joey: He can't do that!
Peck: Of course I can. I'm the leader.

[ Peck finally gets up off of Joey. Joey sighs with relief and stands up. ]

Peck: Let's go to work!
Lunchboy: I propose we begin with lunch!

[ Everyone except Joey leaves the room. ]

Narrator: I forgot... Peck may have tried to shorten weekends, but he never works on weekdays anyway. This lunch can last the rest of the day if he doesn't feel like working.

[ Joey walks into the meeting room, where Peck and the others are eating. Peck turns around to face him, holding up a doll. ]

Peck: Oh, Joey, I have an assignment for you!
Joey: What now?
Peck: I need you do deliver this to Da for me!
Joey: What is it?
Peck: It's a Tiffany Traffic doll for my little baby girl! I want her to know I'm still aware of her even when I'm working, so I bought my little baby this cute dolly!
Joey: She's fifteen!
Peck: Just do it!

[ Black looks at it and his hands start shaking. ]

Black: [nervous] Is that... a woman in uniform?
Joey: I guess so. Why?
Black: [more nervous] Oh man... I love a woman in uniform! I gotta have that woman in uniform!

[ Black gets up and starts to run at the doll. ]

Peck: [yelling] Black! Down, boy!

[ Black meekly goes back to his seat. ]

Peck: [to Joey] He's REALLY got a thing for women in uniform.
Joey: Huh. I think I'll get this out of his eyesight now.

[ Joey finds himself ringing the doorbell at Peck's house. Sandy answers it. ]

Sandy: [smiling] Oh, hi, Joey!
Joey: Could I see Da, please?
Sandy: [disappointed] Oh... Oh, all right.

[ Sandy leaves and Da shows up shortly after. ]

Narrator: I knew that second time I saw Da that she was special, and not in a teacherly way either.
Joey: [blushing] Um, hi, Da!
Da: Yeah?
Joey: Here. Your dad wanted me to deliver this.

[ Da looks at the doll. She rolls her eyes. ]

Da: A doll? That's the fifth one in two weeks. I'm tired of him thinking I'm a little baby.
Joey: That's what I was going to tell him.
Da: Hey, can you deliver a message for me?
Joey: [obsequious] Of course!

[ Da suddenly knees Joey in the groin. Joey bends over in pain. Joey looks up to see the door slam in his face. ]

Joey: Well, it FEELS like a Monday.

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Physical education.
Rhymes with Darva.
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