The Gopher Part III - Production of Adversity
Chapter III - Guilt Trip

[ We see Joey sitting in the back of a taxi. Travis is driving. ]

Narrator: This was the morning after Cajero died in that outhouse accident. I was coming back from Miss Stillman's. I got to spend the night at Miss Stillman's, which was great because it helped me prepare for what would be one of the best days of my life. That's right, I said "best!"
Travis: So, I'm bettin' you took Stillman for a ride in the Joey Jalopy!
Joey: Is everything a vehicle to you?

[ Travis approaches an intersection and slams on the brakes, causing Joey to jerk forward. The seatbelt sends Joey back to his former position as he gives Travis a dirty look through the rear view mirror. Travis just smiles. ]

Joey: Okay, so we did make out for a long time.
Travis: [smiling] A-ha! If you give me all the juicy details, this ride's on me! I'll even let you make a stop on the way!
Joey: Make it am/pm. Here goes...
Narrator: Somehow I knew this day would turn out really good even before it got that way.

[ The taxi pulls up to an am/pm on a street corner. Joey steps out of the taxi. ]

Travis: [from inside the taxi] And get me some peanut butter M & M's too!

[ Joey goes inside. He sees an old woman paying for gas and a package of Skittles. The cashier is only slightly older than Joey. A much older man, obviously a supervisor, is standing right behind Joey with his arms folded, obviously watching the cashier like a hawk. Joey takes a brief look at the cashier's nametag: "Darren." ]

Darren: That'll be $10.75.

[ The old woman digs in her pockets and produces a bill, which Darren takes and sticks in the cash register. The old woman is already out the door by the time Darren looks up again. ]

Supervisor: Remember, give the old lady a receipt!
Darren: But she's gone!
Supervisor: So chase her down!
Darren: What? By the time I get out there, she'll be driving away!
Supervisor: Find her anyway! It'll be fun!
Peck: [as a voice echoing in Joey's head] It'll be fun!

[ Darren rolls his eyes. Joey watches as he steps out from behind the counter and runs outside. Darren runs toward the old lady's car. She hits the gas with surprising force and suddenly hits the hapless cashier. The cashier is down for the count. Joey, shocked, goes outside to look.
Joey is standing over the cashier when all of a sudden his eyes widen with surprise. Joey hears a clicking noise in his head. ]

Narrator: It all just clicked together!
Joey: Oh my God! Oh my God! Darren, you've just changed my life!
Darren: [spaced-out] Wha...?
Joey: [enlightened, fast-paced] I just had a Revelation! I just realized that my life is so shitty because I'm just following orders. If I keep following orders, I could get myself hit by an old lady in a beat-up car! But if I take a stand and use my brain to take control of everything, I'll have the upper hand! Thanks so much, man! Because of you, I'm going to go out and do something I should've done a long time ago!

[ Joey runs back to the taxi. ]

Darren: [spaced-out] Little help here?

[ Joey jumps inside the taxi, closing the door behind him. ]

Joey: Trav, let's go back to my office, so I can kick some exec producer ass!
Travis: I don't know what you're talking about, but it sounds good!

[ Joey kicks down the door to Peck's office. Peck is sitting in his desk, somewhat surprised. A number of papers, as well as a credit card, lay on the desk. Joey storms up to him, leans over the desk, and places both hands on the desk. ]

Peck: Hey, Joey, I was just calling Visa about...
Joey: [interrupting, forceful] We need to talk.
Peck: Can it wait until...
Joey: [yelling] Now!
Peck: What do you want to talk about?
Joey: First off, we are already way up Shit Creek. Paul Cajero is dead. Paul Leonard is dead. Chris Black can't go within 100 feet of me or any other minors.
Peck: That damn mustache.
Joey: You need to start doing some work around here!
Peck: Fine, I'll do more work! [mumbling] Killjoy.
Joey: Next, there are going to be some changes to my working conditions 'round here...

[ We see Joey walking out of Peck's office, closing the door behind him. ]

Narrator: It was awesome! I totally got Peck to do everything I said! Sabrina and John are back in the movie, the script is back to Tracy Tormé's version, and I got one big fat raise! Most importantly...

[ Joey holds up a credit card, smiling at it. ]

Narrator: I snatched Peck's Visa.
Joey: [loud and sustained] Woohoo!

[ We see Joey cruising a huge, sprawling mall, wearing an expensive-looking MP3 player that is playing the opening riff to "Money (That's What I Want)" as Joey goes store to store. Joey buys a number of books, a DVD player and a stack of DVDs, and all manner of computer software. He comes out of a department store wearing a flashy, expensive suit with expensive-looking Ray-Ban sunglasses.
As Joey rides in his car, Miss Stillman, who is in the passenger's seat, clings to him, smiling. She is wearing all manner of lingerie and jewelry.
We also see Peck paying his credit card bills silently with a big, uncaring, unknowing smile on his face.
That night, Joey pulls his car (with Miss Stillman still in the passenger's seat) into an apartment complex. He smiles at her. ]

Joey: I'll be right back!
Miss Stillman: Okay honey!

[ Joey steps out and takes a small paper shopping bag with him. He walks into the apartment complex.
Joey goes up to the front of Jerry's apartment and busts down the door. Inside, Jerry and Charlie are sleeping on bunk beds. Joey can hear the two of them snoring, an incredibly loud sound. Joey straddles Jerry's bunk (the bottom one) and slaps Jerry in the face. Jerry instantly wakes up. ]

Jerry: Who the hell are you?
Joey: I'm Joey, Peck's gopher.
Jerry: What do you want? It's the middle of the night!
Joey: You're allergic to cats, right?
Jerry: Yeah, why?
Joey: You know, I'm getting a little tired of putting up with your shit on the set of the Sliders movie, so you and I are going to make a few changes. Now, we can do this the easy way...

[ Joey pulls a cat out of the shopping bag. ]

Joey: ... or we can do this the hard way.

[ Jerry screams, but Charlie doesn't fully wake up, he just moans and wiggles, then he's back to snoring again. ]

Jerry: Okay, okay! I'll do anything you say, just get that thing away from me!
Joey: Will you stop playing pranks that kill people?
Jerry: Yes!
Joey: Will you stop involving other actors in your petty little games?
Jerry: Yes!
Joey: Will you help get the movie done without putting up any kind of a fight?
Jerry: Yes!
Joey: Good. I think our business has concluded.
Jerry: Um, one little thing...
Joey: [impatient] What?
Jerry: Could I maybe have a higher paycheck for this movie?

[ Instead of answering, Joey raises the covers of Jerry's bed, drops the cat inside, and covers the two of them up again. The cat starts to panic and twist around wildly while Jerry is bucking and twisting in his bed, screaming. Joey gets up, snickers, and walks out.
Joey grabs a cellular phone out of his pocket. As he walks out of the apartment complex, he dials a number. After a few rings, he hears an answer. ]

Cleavant: Hello?
Joey: Cleavant Derricks?
Cleavant: That's the name. What do you want?
Joey: You know how Jerry O'Connell was getting you to play pranks on the set of the Sliders movie?
Cleavant: That idiot made me lookout both times!
Joey: Did you know that those pranks Jerry was playing were killing people?
Cleavant: [angry] You mean the four of us were killing people and nobody told me?!
Joey: Well, Jerry knew you guys killed Paul Cajero and Paul Leonard, but everybody thinks it was just two accidents.
Cleavant: [angry] Jerry knew we were killing people and he didn't tell me?!
Joey: Yeah.
Cleavant: [furious] That's it! The next time I see that son of a bitch, it's his ass!
Joey: Good luck!
Cleavant: Yeah, later!

[ Joey ends the call and pockets his phone. ]

Narrator: From what I was told, Cleavant ended up beating Jerry within an inch of his life. That taught Jerry O'Connell to mess with Joey Simms. I rule!

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