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The Gopher Part IV - End of Epic
Chapter I - Final Night


[ Joey strides into Peck's office, smiling. ]

Narrator: It's been a few weeks since the day I confronted Peck. After that, he basically left me alone and started doing his own work. Life's been good!
Joey: You wanted to see me, Peck?
Peck: Yep, Joey! Guess what?
Joey: I give up.
Peck: Production of the Sliders TV movie is officially over!
Joey: Awesome! Does this mean my job is over?
Peck: Almost.

[ Joey's smile turns to a frown. ]

Peck: You're going to be editing the movie!
Joey: How?
Peck: How should I know?
Joey: Aren't you going to help me?
Peck: Oh, Joey, haven't you known me long enough to know the answer to that question?
Narrator: I was totally screwed. I didn't think this job would ever end!
Peck: By the way, I'll need you to watch the office tomorrow. I'm leaving tomorrow morning and I'll be gone until about 3 or 4 in the afternoon.
Joey: Why?
Peck: Kari's in jail. Seems for the last decade she's been writing her breast implants off as dependents on her tax forms. The IRS found out and put her in prison. I'm gonna go in there and help bust her out.
Narrator: That idiot! That ditsy bald idiot!
Peck: So edit the movie while I'm gone, will ya?

[ That night, Peck is sleeping on his back on his desk. Joey is sitting in a chair in front of the desk with the phone. ]

Narrator: That night, I came up with a plan. I was going to get Peck's ass royally kicked, then I'd never have to worry about this dumb job again.

[ Joey pushes a few buttons and puts the phone to his ear. ]

Joey: Miss Stillman? ... Hey, it's me, Joey! ... Well, it's great to hear from you too! ... I'm, uh, glad you think of me as your ultimate protector... and I'm happy to be your [shudder] snuggle bear. ... Actually, I was calling to tell you about my job... You know why I can never spend much, uh, me-time? It's my boss, Peck! ... Yeah, the guy at the movie set! ... You know, if you want to come down here to teach him a lesson, we'll have all the free time we can handle! ... You're going to beat him up? That works! ... 4 tomorrow? Perfect! See you then! Bye!
Narrator: I figured it'd take about a half hour for Miss Stillman to kick Peck's ass, then another fifteen minutes and she'd be on her way home.

[ Joey pushes a few more buttons and puts the phone in his ear. ]

Joey: Hey, Larva! How are you? ... You sound great! ... Hey, I know how mad you were when Peck interrupted our honeymoon... Yeah, exactly... You know, if you want to get back at him... You do? Great! Come by my office at 5 tomorrow! ... See you then! ... Bye!

[ Joey pushes a few more buttons and puts the phone in his ear. ]

Joey: Sandy Peckinpah? ... Yeah, I'm Joey Simms, your husband's... executive lackey... You know, I'm kinda worried about Peck. I think he's sleeping around on you... With Kari, one of the actresses on Sliders... Destroy his motorcycle collection? Maybe it would be easier if you just came down here to Peck's office to put him in his place... Maybe you shouldn't bring a gun... If you insist... All right then. Hey, could I talk to Da? ... Bye!
Da? Hey, it's Joey. I work for your dad, remember? ... Yeah, I'm the one you hit in the crotch! ... Oh, it's okay! ... You know how to use editing equipment, right? ... For movies... I need some help. Your dad gave me that job for tomorrow... You'll come over... 3? I'll be waiting! Bye!

[ Joey pushes a few more buttons and puts the phone in his ear. ]

Joey: Hey Bill Dial! It's me, Joey Simms, the executive lackey... Uh huh... Well, you know, there's a way for you to be the boss... Peck is thinking of resigning... Yeah, you can just show up here at the office and take over where he leaves off... You'll be the new boss! ... I'll really be looking forward to seeing you lead the Sliders project, Bill Dial... Bye now!

[ Joey pushes a few more buttons and puts the phone in his ear. ]

Joey: Hey... You know, the deal still stands... I'll pay you for showing up here... You'll do it? Awesome! He needs you to teach him a lesson... It'll work out perfectly! You'll make him easier to work for and put the fear of Sam Peckinpah right back in him... See ya then, "Sam!" [laughs]
Narrator: I am a genius.

[ Joey yawns. He lays down on the floor and quickly falls asleep. ]

Narrator: All there was left to do was wait until tomorrow.

[ Joey finds himself in Kari's trailer. Suddenly, Kari bursts through the door, dressed as she always is... only without hair. ]

Kari: [malevolent] You're going down, Joey!

[ Kari starts to walk towards Joey. Joey backs up in fear. Suddenly, a door bursts open behind him. He looks behind him to see Peck. ]

Peck: [malevolent] You're going down, Joey!

[ Seemingly out of nowhere, Miss Stillman and Larva appear and do the same. ]

Larva, Miss Stillman: [in unison, malevolent] You're going down, Joey!

[ Seemingly out of nowhere, Bill Dial and Lunchboy appear and do the same. ]

Bill Dial, Lunchboy: [in unison, malevolent] You're going down, Joey!

[ Seemingly out of nowhere, Sandy and Da appear and do the same. ]

Da, Sandy: [in unison, malevolent] You're going down, Joey!

[ The eight of them start to close in on Joey. Joey screams in fright.
Joey then sees Scooby Doo riding by on a unicycle behind the circle of zombie-ish attackers. Scooby Doo looks Joey in the eyes, arches his eyebrows downward in contempt, and gives him the finger. ]

Joey: [yelling as loud as possible] STOP!!!!!

[ Suddenly, all eight of the attackers disappear in a puff of smoke. The only one left is Scooby Doo. ]

Joey: [livid] That is IT! I am SICK and TIRED of putting up with this shit! I am DONE taking shit from my own dreams! Prepare for an ass-kickin', Scooby!

[ Joey sends Scooby Doo a quick boot to the head. Scooby falls off his unicycle and hits the ground. Scooby is disoriented. He produces a tin whistle and blows it.
Suddenly, Freddie, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scrappy Doo show up. They have angry, belligerent looks on their faces that tell Joey what they want. ]

Joey: You wanna take me on? Fine, I'll take each and every one of you down!

[ Carl Douglas' "Kung Fu Fighting" serves as the background music while Joey breaks out the kung fu, kicking major ass in a way only a dream truly can. At high speed, Joey alternately beats somebody unconscious and drops one-liners. ]

Joey: Velma, you may have the support of your high school's entire football team in the sack, but there's no way in hell you can beat a 15-year-old who's taken his limit of shit!
Joey: Shaggy, on your next acid trip, let the Jetsons know they're next!
Joey: Daphne, you geek, you should never have tried!
Joey: Freddy, go back to playing football like the jock you are and leave fighting to real men!

[ Eventually, Velma, Shaggy, Daphne, and Freddie are all down for the count. Scrappy lunges for Joey. The two wrestle for a long time. At one point, Scrappy bites Joey in the shoulder. Joey grabs Scrappy by a hind leg and slams him into the ground. Scrappy ends up laying on his side. Joey sits on his head, pinning it down. Scrappy furiously struggles. ]

Joey: [teasing, taunting] Say uncle! Say uncle!
Scrappy: [crying] Uncle! Uncle!

[ Joey suddenly finds himself back in the world of the awake. He immediately gets up and bellows a victory cry. Peck is unfazed. ]


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