[ Earth 2958 ]

A Vigeant Production

The sun glistened off the pond... and while I looked at the pond I thought, man I wish I could be shiny, like the pond.
Conrad Bennish's Journal Entry 16

Quinn looked up. "Well, guys, I think this is it." He had been playing with the timer with the Professor for the last several hours. Everyone assembled in the hotel room. Quinn stood up. "Alright guys, you are going to have to listen to this very carefully." Quinn gazed coldly at Bennish who was scratching off a scab on his arm. "I think I may have found a way to make it so we can each get home, or the nearest equivalent to it. I mean, we have just been floating around the multiverse lately, but I think this will work. Michele get over here." Michele walked over from her relatively cushy hotel seat. Remmy's double here was loaded. Quinn took out a bit of circuitry from the timer and gave it to Michele. "This is the Flandovor's Chip, put it in the pocket pal (The Pocket Pal, given to Michele in episode 403 by the CEO of WorldTECH International was a very advanced piece of technology which could create a slide vortex itself. She never tried out this feature for a few reasons, first off, it was a very demanding program on it and would automatically set the PocketPal out for 48 hours, second, it would probably go a different route that Quinn, Wade, Arturo, and Remmy and she didn't want to get stuck with Flame, Ryan, and especially Bennish. Another neat feature was that it could translate the various flickers and cracks of Flame's flame and discover what it was saying (It could do this even in low power mode after a slide!). It's great as a tool to advance the plot.) This chip will allow you to create a backlog of worlds that you have been to." Michele looked at Quinn. "What are you saying?" Quinn smiled that lovable smile of his. "Well, I have realized something, you guys are dead weight on us original guys. We need to get home. You guys... er... have no home. You are adrift in the space/time continuum. So what I'm saying is instead of Bennish getting high and then Flame setting the place on fire and um... Ryan and Michele, yer alright.... um... RUN!" Quinn, Wade, Arturo, and Remmy ran into the hallway. The sound of the vortex opening up was made and before Bennish could let out a "Woah." They were gone. Ryan turned to Michele. "They don't make minute long vortexes like they used to."

What if you had no idea about what was going on?
What if you were stuck 'sliding' from world to world..
Where it is the same year.. and you are the same person but most everything is different.. and what if you were ditched by the people who could get you home?

Rebecca Chambers
Nicholas Lea
Veronica Cartwright
Jason Gaffney

'Pilot (Again)'

Guest stars:
Sabrina Lloyd
Cleavant Derricks
Jerry O'Connell
John Rhys-Davies

"My name is Ryan... I'm forced to take control of this crew of complete nuts. One being a bitter woman who was stuck on a world of war for a long time, another one just being an idiot, and the other one being a flame... a stupid stupid flame. Why do I always get stuck in these situations?"

"Well, what do we do now?" Bennish said, he had just finished working on his scab and was now seeing how deep he could push his finger into his ear. "Um, well, let's see.." Ryan sat in the cushy chair. Michele looked at him. "That was my cushy chair." "I just wanted to sit a second.." "Did I ever tell you one of my war stories?" Ryan rolled his eyes. "Oh, here we go.." "Back when I was little and had to put up with the brutalities of war.... I learned something." "What?" "I am the rightful owner of every single cushy chair in existence and that is rightfully mine by birthright." BAM! BAM! BAM! "What the hell was that?!" screamed Bennish. Remmy kicked down the door. Remmy was in cowboy boots, a 10 gallon hat, and wore a coat that would make Joe Don Baker proud. "Who done stole my credit card? I am gonna shoot them now!" Michele grabbed for her PocketPal and opened up the interdimensional travel program. "I ain't gonna remind you folks..who..done..took..my.." WAAAOOOSSSH! A gigantic turquoise vortex which was roughly as large as one of the hotel walls. "Woaaaahh!" Bennish screamed as he was being pulled into the vortex. Ryan, holding Flame was next pulled in. Michele trying to get a hold on the cushy chair was sucked in next, to be slammed in by the alternate Remmy who also was pulled in by that gigantic force.

When in beautiful San Francisco go to the brand new Mount Candington. A gigantic tower of rock, steel, and neon, looming over the entire city with not only the gaze of the friendly animated neon Smiley Face but was used as a regular place for union mercanaries and assassins to use their rather advanced rifle technology to knock off whoever they're paid to, or for rather crazy drunken snipers parties. As a result San Francisco fell into a virtual anarchy followed by a dictatorship followed by a new democratic regime. Where did the US figure into this? Well, during the Civil War, the north lost, with both sides armies relatively weakened and unable to claim up the Western Territories, each country ignored it, at least until they could beat the other one into letting them take the Western Territories. Ignatius R. Wiggletowrt however thought otherwise. With the vast amounts of gold he got in California he decided to buy all the land even though the owner, currently the Union, really couldn't collect, or enforce the fact that they owned it. He re-named it Ignatius-Land, or as historians call it Ignatiuonius. Fast forward to the 1950s, the United States, happy with the secure title of the Superpower, and having reclaimed the south in what historians call 'Civil War 2: The Revenge' the second era of the 'Manifest Destiny' started and head expansionist Charles McCarthy pushed for FDR (who had renamed himself dictator of the United States, and lived alot longer than he had on Earth Prime) to declare war on the relatively weak Ignatiuonius (which was still in it's fifthteenth depression). Ignatiuonius still had several tricks up it's sleeve. It was allies with the Soviet Union, Australia (The Third Superpower out of World War 2), and The Antartic Legion. A third world war ensued ending in the virtual destruction of the Western United States, all except for the far coast. San Francisco was the capital of Ignatiuonius and remained semi-peacefully when the United States decided they didn't want the radioactive fields of Idaho anymore. All was not well for Ignatiuonius or San Francisco, however, because they both literally fell apart during the great San Francisco Earth Quake of '73, which lasted until '74 and ended up in the destruction of Ignatiuonius and the appearance of a gigantic mountain in the center of the city, named Mount Candington. San Francisco persisted however, and became a city state, governed by Avery Q. Wiggletowrt, it was under his corrupt rule that Mount Candington because first a tourist attraction, then a place for assasinations to be planned. Ironically, Avery was shot in the back by a sniper on the mountain just as he was signing the approval for the assasination center. Our heroes know nothing of this, and there is no big book of history there. So I had to give this long thing. So there!

Somewhere in San Francisco, a mysterious vortex appeared. Remmy was the first to fall out. He was then promptly hit on the head by a large 'cushy' chair and was knocked out cold. Michele who was holding Flame, Ryan, and Bennish each fell out relatively with out injury.... relatively. "Wow, my arm hurts." Bennish exclaimed, rubbing his ear. "Uh-huh. Sure." Ryan had tried to give him a sarcastic comment, but failed miserably. Michele looked at the pocket pal. "Well, the whole thing has had to power down, the only thing that is working on here is the translator for Flame." Ryan rolled his eyes. "Well, isn't that convienient." There! That was his sarcastic comment for the night. Flame started to talk. "I am communicating with the immortal fire beings of this world.... please hold." A repetitive tune started to come out of the Pocket Pal. "Well, 48 hours huh?" Michele attempted at conversation, it was a pass to Ryan.... he fumbled. "We're going to have to come up with a plan." Bennish smiled. "A plan? Why don't we crash here?" Ryan gave Bennish 'The Eye' "No, we can't *ahem* -crash- here, we have to join back up with Remmy, Quinn, Wade, and Arturo." "Why?" Michele asked defiantly. "Well, uhm, think about it, they are the only ones who know what they're doing. Quinn and the Professor can always fix the timer and even the Pocket Pal, when they're broken, Wade provides a feeling of 'The Girl Who Lives Next Door' and Remmy is great comedy relief. Besides, we have to find them because they have... um... Bennish's wallet!" Ryan knew that Bennish didn't have a wallet, but planned on Bennish not knowing that. Bennish reached into his pocket. "Hey! You're right! They have my wallet!" Bennish turned and looked up. "Hey, a gigantic smiley face. Pretty..... Hey look it winks!" Ryan looked at Bennish, he had a red dot on his nose. "Um, Rudolph, you may want to duck down for a moment." Bennish was obvivious to all but the animated neon sign. "I think that you should get DOWN!" Ryan pushed Bennish down just as a bullet whizzed by them. "Hey guys, it's flame here, and I'm here to say that the immortal fire beings on this planet are such jerks and... oh yeah, the gigantic mountain over there, it's really a dormant volcano, and it's going to erupt in roughly 24 hours." "Uh, can you tell the immortal fire beings of this planet to postpone the eruption?" "Pff. I doubt it, I mean I might get it out of some immortal fires but I mean this one is such a jerk! I can put you on the line with him, if you want.." Ryan sat down on the cushy chair. "Uh, Michele, you take care of this one." "Uh huh." Flame flickered a bit. "Let me get him...... YES, THIS IS THE ALMIGHTY IMMORTAL FLAME BEING OF THE FLAME WORLD!" Bennish got up and started to dust himself off. Michele attempted to talk to the immortal flame being. "Uh yeah, this is Michele, a human, and I was wondering if you could move that eruption back a bit?" "WHY, WHY MUST THE IMMORTAL FLAME BEING POSTPONE HIS ERUPTION?!?"  "Well, you see.... I mean, we have to." *click* *Beeeeeeep* "Hmm... I'm sorry guys, but I think he hung up." Ryan looked up. There was another red dot on Bennish's forehead. "GET DOWN!" Everyone then ducked down, except for Bennish. Ryan once again knocked him over, as a bullet whizzed by. "We'd had better get out of here." The passed out body of Remmy remained on the ground.

It was the most rundown hotel they had ever been to, The Really Nice Hotel was nothing of the kind. The hired roaches were on strike. A woman sat at a desk behind a bullet proof window, smoking. Her hair was in an ugly white net. She started coughing. Ryan approached the front de-- window. "Uh hello, a room for 3, smoking, with 2 beds and a cot." The woman looked at him. "Yeah, whaddya want?" "I just told you." "Well, I wasn't listening, smart guy!" "This is definetly going to be adressed on my comment card." "Are you staying or aren't you?" He gave her his credit card. "Yes, this will do nicely." She smiled and gave him the keys. Ryan waited. "What?!" Ryan banged the glass. "You are supposed to give the credit card back." "Oh... yeah."

The rooms, in comparison were much nicer, if it wasn't for the smell of dead rats they would of stayed longer.... Bennish walked to the TV and turned it on. "Let's see if they didn't cancel that Bob Patterson show." *Click* It was a standard newsroom, a rather nonchalant newsguy sat in the center. "Hello, and welcome to San Francisco's Most Wanted. Today's number one criminal, target, and mantel trophy is the one 'Conrad Bennish'.." "Hey guys! I'm on TV!" "..A political problem who voted for the wrong man twice, and set fire to the Hampster Building. He also says that you smell, and that no one likes you. The current bounty on his head is one MILLION DOLLARS! If you can knock him off today, and get our special prize, which is Mayor of the City." Suddenly the TV screen broke off into little shards. Michele closed the windowshade. "We're going to have to put you somewhere safe.... let's see, according to the Pocket Pal, we have roughly 45 hours left. Hrmph." Ryan got up. "And let's not forget about the volcano!" "Oh yeah. It looks like we are in a situation that we cannot possibly get out of alive! What can we do?" There was a short moment of awkward silence. Bennish raised his hand, and then after a careful deliberation on his part, decided to put it down. "Flame," Ryan seemed to be getting an idea. " Is there any way that we could somehow manage to get the volcano not to erupt, a sacrifice or something?" The Pocket Pal blinked. "Well, I could ask the IMMORTAL FIRE BEING but I doubt he'll answer." "Try it." "YES?!" "Uh. Hi, this is the humans again." The immortal fire being made a sound equivlent to rolling his eyes. "Is there any sort of sacrifice we can make to stop the volcano?" "WELL, LEMME THINK.... HMMM... WELL, A SACRIFICE OF HUMAN WOULD DO, AT THE PEAK OF THE MOUNTAIN, THERE IS A LITTLE CAVE THINGIE WHICH LEADS TO THE VOLCANIC INNARDS OF THE MOUNTAIN, I'LL POSTPONE THE ERUPTION FOR A WEEK." "Thank you sir."

“Okay, we have to come up with a plan.” Ryan paced back and forth. “Well, let’s see, we have to get Bennish from the people who are out to kill him, we have to kill someone and throw them into the volcano, and then finally we have to get out of here alive, which requires the first two. Any questions?” Michele raised her hand. “I got an idea. How about we hide Bennish in the secret underground government movement run by a crazy revolutionary with a French accent, then we run into the mastermind who runs all the evil in the city, have a shoot out at the top of the volcano, during a thunderstorm, and then you shoot him and he falls in. I grab the pocketpal, Bennish mysteriously appears out of nowhere and we slide out of here, alive.” Ryan looked at her. “How do you know any of that will happen?” “Well, think about it, this world, despite the oddities added by the author is still relatively clichéd.” “That it is.” “So we just have to follow the stories rules and everything will come out okay.” “You sure?” “Well, do you have any other ideas?” “Um. No.” “Then it’s settled, Bennish, you are coming with me, Ryan you and torch are going to the top of the volcano.” Michele tossed Ryan the pocket pal, and handed over the torch with Flame.

Bennish trailed behind Michele, covering himself with a blanket he stole from the hotel, it was covered with various stains. “What do you think of my disguise?” “Um. It’s beautiful.” “It took me a while, but considering my resources I think I did pretty good. I mean, who would of thought of draping a blanket over my head.” Suddenly a man with a beret and small mustache appeared. “A stupid man, and also a marked one. Bonjour, I am Pierre Demauvais Sentant, it means I like radishes. I am the head French revolutionary here, come with me, there is not much time, and we must head to the underground.” The revolutionary ran to a telephone booth and dialed 911. Suddenly the phone booth started to lower. “Come into the booth with me... there is not much time!”

Ryan thought for a bit. Well, Michele seemed to know what she was doing. He had only a few things to do, he had to get a gun, climb to the top on the mountain, and kill the as of yet undiscovered bad guy. Simple enough really. He had to find a gun. He looked down the street. Amid the basic desolation of the ruined city, there was a gun store, against all odds. Well, today WAS a lucky day. Ryan looked through the store window. There was a serviceable one, one of those nameless nondescript handguns you see on TV all the time. He went in. A scary looking man eyed him at the other side of the store. “Whaddya want?” “Er... generic handgun.” “You don’t want a nice one?” “Well... not really.” “Hmm... Well according to law we have to give those out for free..” “Really?” “Yup, look here in the book of the laws. Section 319-42.” “Hmmm... well look at that, ‘The Law of Convenient Plot Devices’.” “Get out of here.” The guy threw over the gun. Suddenly Ryan heard a familiar voice! Remmy! It was coming from... UP?! Oh it was just the Texan one... on TV. “Hello, my name is Rembrant Nancy Sue Brown. I humbly accept the role of the new mayor San Francisco.” A bullet whizzed by his face. “HAH! He thinks that he can kill me?!” The Texan Remmy pulled out a machine gun and shot dead on at the guy who just shot him. Satisfied he put the gigantic machine gun back in his pocket. A man came up to him. “By the power vested in me, I proclaim you to be the new evil mastermind behind all the evil in the city.” “HOT DAMN!”

Pierre reached for a cigarette in his pocket. He promptly got it and lit it. “Well, my friends, let me be blunt. You came here at a bad time, the evil in this city has grown too deep for any tourists.” Michele looked around. They were still in a phone booth, just underground. “So, where’s the secret hideout?” “This is the secret hideout of the Revolutionary Republic of San Francisco!” “What, a phone booth in the ground?” “Yes.” Bennish was stuck in the corner. “Man, I’ve got such an itch on my nose…” “Wait a second, so you are the only revolutionary in this city?” “Yes.” “So, basically you are some nut who lives in a cramped phone booth in the ground?” “Well… yes.” Bennish started to squirm. “That itch is getting really bad.” “Are we safe?” “Well, safer than in the street with a blanket on our head.” “Oh great.” SMASH! Bennish broke the glass trying to reach for his nose, the phone booth was quickly filled with dirt. “PTTTFF... Great, stuck in a dirt filled hole in the middle of a city which is about to have a volcano explode. Just great.” Michele complained to herself. “The correct term is erupt.” “Shuttup Bad Smell.”

Ryan was at the foot of Mt. Candington. He looked up. For a touristy mountain, it was pretty foreboding. He saw a storm cloud surrounding it’s top. Organ music was playing from the ‘MOUNTAIN O FUN’ exhibit somewhere in the middle. He could faintly hear a recording of a wolf howling. He was more scared than when he got trapped on the world where he was stalked by a studio audience. “Well, I better start off as quickly as I could.” And with that he got on the elevator, ready for the top.

The top, in comparison, is much more mountain-y. There was a large forest, a foreboding cave with an eerie orange glow coming out of it and a gigantic neon smiley face. Well, the smiley face wasn’t mountain-y but the forest with the cave definitely was. He reached for his gun. It was in his pocket, along with his wallet, the pocket pal, which was blinking. He picked it up. Flame was trying to talk to him. “What is it now?” “We are near it! We are near the sacrifice point!” “I knew that.” “I just like it, the feeling of all that molten lava… mmm..aaaa..ooooohhh.” “Um. I’ll leave you to yourself right now.” He turned off the Pocket Pal and entered the cave.

Michele scratched her nose. “Okay, so how are we getting out of here?” Pierre took a long drag from his cigarette. “Well, such is the mystery of life, no?” “I was asking... oh shut up the both of you!” Bennish squirmed. “Hey! But I didn’t..” “Do as I say!” Michele began to get mad. “Okay, now, Pierre, in your infinite intellect can you think of something, and if it is some sort of cliché then I don’t want to hear it.” “Well... yes... but my other response is an analogy... the one of the squirrel and the..” “Cram it Frenchie. Okay, Bennish, can you help the situation in any way?” “Well, there is a ladder here, it is submerged with dirt... but it IS a ladder.” “Pierre, why didn’t you tell us about a ladder?” “Well, it is like the story of the squirrel and the…”

Remmy ran into the cave behind him. “Well, look who I done found! It’s the guy with the fire thingie... Mister… guy... with... fire... thing… ie…”  Ryan reached for his gun. Remmy smiled. “You know, I can shoot you at anytime, me being a hardboiled Texan cop who doesn’t play by the rules. However, I want to treat you to the new lyrics of the San Francisco anthem. It’s called Tears in my ‘Fran.” He pulled out a harmonica. “Ahem... OOOOOHHH! I’ve got TEEAAARSS IN MMYYYY ‘FRAN!” BAM! Ryan shot him dead on. Remmy gasped, rather theatrically and fell into the volcanic chasm which just happened to be right next to him. Suddenly the volcano started to shake, and a large rock fell from the top of the cave and knocked Ryan out.

A drop of water landed on Michele’s head. She looked up. Eeew... it was spit. A man who was obviously evil from his slicked back black hair, to his black uniform stared down at them. “Ha! You are all now prisoners of Ignatiuonius!” Michele attempted to spit at him and it landed on Bennish. “You will have to take us with a fight!” Pierre started squirming “I surrender!”

A man looked at them outside of the jail cell. “So, you are the group of monsters that killed the high leader Rembrandt “Spiffy” Brown.”.  Pierre was shaking. “No! It wasn’t me! It was her!” He pointed at Michele. The man smiled. “Congratulations, new evil leader of San Francisco! So, what do you want to do with your newly gained position?” “Well, I would like to go to the nicest hotel in the city, a brand new yacht, a box of chocolates... a cushy…”

“Hahahaha! And then I said, no, you sit on Potsie!” Ryan woke up to hear Bennish finish a rather loud anecdote, to himself. Ryan was lying in a very nice bed at a very nice hotel, Michele was sitting in a cushy chair. “Wha... what happened?” Michele smiled, she was wearing a diamond tiara and was the cushy chair was currently in ‘auto massage’ mode. “Well, it’s a long story, which goes nothing like my original plan to save us but..” “Hey, I followed the original plan!!” “And we are all grateful, right Flame?” Flame was burning on a very expensive bonsai tree. The Pocket Pal flickered. “yes!” Then, the pocket pal let out a series of beeps. Ryan got off the bed. “Well, the slide program is ready. I suppose we should get going.” Michele threw a hope (sized) diamond at him. “Hey, I LIKE it here!” “But what about the volcano?” “Meh.” “What about the..” A red dot appeared on her forehead. “SNIPERS! Duck!” Michele jumped off the cushy chair, a bullet, whizzed through the window and hit the cushy chair, which promptly exploded. “I guess we COULD leave.” She pulled out the pocket pal, transferred Flame to it’s normal torch and activated the vortex. Each one jumped in.

San Francisco News Break!

Hello Everyone, this is Transley Morpie, here at the News Center here. We interrupt this broadcast of ‘Stalking Conrad’ to tell you that Mt. Candington, the brilliant tourist attraction and place for guys to kill other guys on... you know what it’s called… the thing... with the guys. Anyhow, we are all doomed to a horrible fiery death, that is unless you happen to have a phone booth to hide yourself in. Until then, I guess you could say, the coast is toast. Mmmm... toast.

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