100 Things I Hate About "Paradise Lost"
A review by Recall317

During the writing of "The Show Must Go On," I was compelled to actually watch the farce that is SL-315 "Paradise Lost." Some say "The Exodus" marks the beginning of the show's downfall, but PL was the first true harbinger of the crap to come. Since I had to watch it anyway, I decided to keep a notepad with me to jot down everything I despised about the show, figuring I'd get 50 observations or so. I had to stop once I hit triple digits. So here they are, in the order they occurred to me: the 100 things about "Paradise Lost" that should have blackballed all involved from ever working in TV again.

  1. Right from the beginning, we have nonsensical dialogue. Michael calls Laurie to tell her about his amazing discovery. There's something seismic, yet not geological! He thinks it might be coming from underground. He THINKS? What do you think seismic means, you blistering idiot!

  2. Bud, the hick. What a loathsome character! He's a complete imbecile and yet he seems to have advanced high in this community. Much like most FOX executives.

  3. When the worm is attacking Michael (or anyone else for that matter), how come nothing seems to shake? There is mass displacement of ground, right? That's why it's seismic, right? RIGHT?

  4. The "underground worm" CGI. How long did this take to do? Ten minutes? I've seen Microsoft Paint programs look more realistic.

  5. Quinn says he still needs to work on adjusting the landings. Since when is that an option? And it's not like previous landings were ever all that painless either! But give them credit. At least someone remembered they had a new timer.

  6. Arturo's wardrobe. Nice turtleneck.

  7. Laurie's obliviousness to Bud sneaking up behind her with a tire iron. She couldn't hear him pull up? He drives a Studebaker for Christ's sake!

  8. World record for tire-changing my ass, Quinn! This is the same guy who couldn't uncork a bottle of wine in "Last Days."

  9. The Rain Does NOT Fall Evenly on the Plain, Part I. The magic rain that falls over the town of Paradise. It hits everything but Laurie's jeep. That might explains why she never uses the windshield wipers or puts the cover on.

  10. Help wanted? Does Paradise really strike you as a place with high job turnover?

  11. Rembrandt was a cook in the Navy? Cough...cough...Bullshit...cough. When did he have time to join the Navy? He was Little Rembrandt and touring back when he was 17! He can't swim! STOP MAKING THIS CRAP UP!

  12. Trudy. What terrible acting! Of course, the actress wasn't given much to work with.

  13. Laurie's unbuttoned shirt as she talks to Sheriff Burke. Oh wait, that's something I like.

  14. Gotta love the way Quinn just volunteers everyone! 'Wade, Rembrandt- go to work. Arturo- research the town. I'm going to see if I can score with this chick.'

  15. Why is the mail all bloody? Sure, the guy's dead, but he doesn't seem to be bleeding much.

  16. THE WORM GOO, Part I. Exactly who was the first person who decided, "Hmm...this mutant worm leaves a black, oily slime trail. I wonder what it tastes like?"

  17. Quinn withholding the soccer ball from the kids. I guess he needed to stay in character as a total jerk. Quinn also kicks like a girl. I take that back. That's insulting to girls everywhere.

  18. Why was the mailman walking on the grass if the kids fear to tread there? The mailman must have been related to Bud.

  19. Not one kid cried out a warning to Quinn as the worm charged. They must have been really pissed with him over the soccer ball.

  20. How does a giant underground worm sneak up on you? The worm must have stealth powers.

  21. How could Laurie not see that?! She's dumber than the chick from "Slither."

  22. The mere presence of kids disturbs me. I'm going to have to assume these kids are truly kids and not 75 year-olds trapped in 10 year-old bodies. That means there's an awful lot of inbreeding going on in this town. (Quelle surprise!)

  23. THE WORM GOO, Part II. After tasting the worm excrement, how long do you think it would take before you learned of its secret powers? Did someone say, "I'm going to eat this worm shit twice a day for the next five years and measure its effects?" COULD THIS BE LESS THOUGHT OUT?

  24. A hotel? How does it operate? On an endowment?

  25. "The room will be ready in five minutes." Who are you kidding? You haven't had a guest since the Carter administration!

  26. "Oh Mr. Arturo, we're so happy that you're here!" Must...suppress...maniacal...laughter...mwa...ha...ha...ha

  27. "Michael was an explorer." No, he was a surveyor looking for oil. He's a corporate shill for Mobil, honey.

  28. The field transmitters have a three-day memory. I guess they record their findings on answering machine tape. Really? Why is this important?

  29. "Take the cemetery, for instance. Up to 1949, there were 27 deaths. Since 1949, there have been three," Part I. This line is often quoted as "After 1949" but I believe JRD does say "Up to." Either way, it's still a mighty stupid statement. It implies that Arturo went to the cemetery and counted all the gravestones- apparently all thirty of them. But don't worry, this one gets better as the ep wears on, folks.

  30. "Take the cemetery, for instance. Up to 1949, there were 27 deaths. Since 1949, there have been three," Part II. Seeing as three townspeople die in this episode alone before Act 3, I tend to doubt the veracity of Arturo's statement.

  31. "Take the cemetery, for instance. Up to 1949, there were 27 deaths. Since 1949, there have been three," Part III. Wouldn't there have been people over 30 when they discovered the magic goo? Where are they? I guess there were only three of them at the time, and they've all died since 1949.

  32. "Take the cemetery, for instance. Up to 1949, there were 27 deaths. Since 1949, there have been three," Part IV. Remember the year 1949. It will become completely meaningless by the end of the episode.

  33. Wade's sudden infatuation with Parker. "He seems more mature than most guys his age." That's because he's 80 years old, Anna Nicole.

  34. How the hell did Rembrandt and Wade not notice the dead waiter aging? They were looking right at him. Furthermore, why the hell would they age in the first place?! I guess the worm goo's effects suddenly wear off at date of expiration.

  35. The Rain Does NOT Fall Evenly on the Plain, Part II. It rains in town constantly, but never out of town where Quinn spends the episode. What can I say? The sun always shines on Quinn Mallory.

  36. The Rain Does NOT Fall Evenly on the Plain, Part III. Despite Wade's use of an umbrella, it is clearly not raining when she goes to the restaurant. But once inside, a shot of the window shows it's down-pouring.

  37. The townspeople will do anything to protect the secret of the worm... except lock the door to their secret meeting.

  38. Why must they eat the goo with their hands? Is there a special rule against spoons? Does the pudding lose its potency if contaminated by a metal alloy?

  39. The waiter who died was 103 years old. That would mean he was at least 50 when the goo was discovered. Yet he looked twenty. The goo must not only suspend aging, it must turn back the clock too! And knows to stop at a point post-puberty! Damn, that's great goo! Side note: If I spent 50 years as a waiter, I think I'd be welcoming death.

  40. THE WORM GOO, Part III. What's the recommended dosage of worm shit? Does something happen if you don't get enough of it?

  41. THE WORM GOO, Part IV. We saw that when the worm attacks someone in town, it leaves its goo. However, when it does not attack, it leaves no goo. This suggests one mighty fast digestive tract!

  42. The Big Lebowski as Arturo's drunk, one-armed friend.

  43. He was mowing the lawn when he lost his arm. What have we learned about walking on the grass this episode, people? NEVER FUCKING DO IT. Ugh...

  44. Why would the worm chase after Arturo when there was a perfectly good, immobile body to eat?

  45. Well, there was a dead body here a second ago...where did it go? Someone call the editor!

  46. Would Arturo really have trouble tracking the giant worm? Oh wait, I forgot about its stealth powers. (See #19)

  47. Arturo's "Death Speech." "Erg. Confound you! Ack! Erg!"

  48. The high-tech "worm tracker" on Laurie's computer. The brand is apparently a Sharp PC-3070. Try Atari 2600. All right, that may be hyperbole...Atari 5200.

  49. Quinn's lines. After decking Bud, he says "I really suggest that you stay there." Nearly as bad as, "I hear you; I'm just not listening."

  50. "What's that?" "Sounds like drums." Uh...why would they say that? When the worm attacks people, a drumming noise is made presumably for dramatic effect. Or so we thought. Apparently that noise is really made and can be heard from miles around. Of course, we don't need to explain it.

  51. Quinn has one killer knockout punch. It keeps Bud out cold for the entire night.

  52. What exactly where Quinn and Laurie doing while they waited for it to get light?

  53. Arturo's sinkhole remains. None of the others did.

  54. Quinn and Laurie can't understand what caused this sinkhole. I don't know...a GIANT FREAKIN' WORM maybe? The Atari 5200 says as much!

  55. Anyone else notice that Sheriff Burke walks like he's constantly prepared to limbo?

  56. Burke implies that Wade and Arturo got drunk and hooked up. Ewwww....

  57. I hope the townspeople tried feeding the worm other things before jumping to human flesh. You know, cattle, sheep...nah, human flesh it is!

  58. "Take the cemetery, for instance. Up to 1949, there were 27 deaths. Since 1949, there have been three," Part V. Trudy says a uranium mine explosion killed 50 people. Hmmm...guess they buried them all at sea.

  59. The uranium explosion caused just ONE worm and ONE worm only to mutate? Yeah, I guess that's plausible.

  60. Trudy is just aching to scream out, "Soylent Worm Goo is People! It's People!!!!"

  61. "If you become one of us Wade, you'll be sacrificed like the others." Gee when you put it that way, Parker, sign me up! Idiots.

  62. Trudy knows she won't have the blood of innocents on her hands when she dies. Sure, she's been a bystander to the carnage for 50 years and it never occurred to her to report this to any outside authorities, but at least she didn't actively participate.

  63. The Quinn-Bud sequence in the jail. Ugh...

  64. Why would Michael's chart list Parker's house?

  65. Shotgun blasts do not necessarily open jail cells.

  66. Why not look for the keys first? "Not dramatic enough!"

  67. THE WORM GOO, Part V. So what if Wade eats the worm goo? Sure it's gross, but I'd have to think the long-term effects of a single dose are negligible. Otherwise, why keep eating it?

  68. Wade flat out rejects Parker, yet Parker is willing to fight his best friend Burke to the death for Wade? If only Quinn showed a tenth of that kind of affection.

  69. What do you mean the worm victims are still alive? I guess the worm only keeps integral cast members alive and eats the rest immediately.

  70. "The Cove...the Cove..." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Bye, Trudy. You were enjoyed.

  71. Although Quinn specifically tells her to stay close to the rocks, Laurie wanders off like a moron.

  72. Action Hero Quinn does NOT leap on to the worm's back to save Laurie. His is the most glaring discontinuity yet! Gotta love the expressions on Wade and Rembrandt's faces too. Kind of that, "Eh...what are you gonna do?" look.

  73. All through the episode, you needed a rope ladder to get to the beast's cave. Quinn and company just walk right over. What? Was it low tide?

  74. Can the worm swim? Could you escape by running to the ocean? Did anyone ever think to try?

  75. The blue light in the cave. Last time I checked, uranium wasn't blue.

  76. "Time to put a slug on the barbie." It's bad enough we're paying homage to "Tremors;" we don't need to throw in "Crocodile Dundee" as well.

  77. Rembrandt's magic shotgun! Able to fire 20 shells without reloading!

  78. The gunfight itself. I've seen Bugs Bunny-Yosemite Sam fights make more sense.

  79. "Would you like me to carry the dynamite?" "I'm OK." "Because if you're not comfortable..." "I'm OK." Talk about four lines of filler.

  80. The eggs of the worm. It looked like a Magic 8-Ball convention.

  81. Do worms even lay eggs? Aren't they asexual?

  82. Since when does Quinn call the Professor "Max"?

  83. Suspended animation?! This worm can do everything!

  84. By the way, loved the Saran Wrap effect.

  85. Rembrandt muttering for one more shell. Wait a minute, I thought it was a magic shotgun! Maybe this is also an homage to the "Black Rider."

  86. The strategically placed canister of gasoline that wasn't there before. It is one of many objects that magically appear and disappear throughout the episode.

  87. Why must Quinn destroy the worm, destroy it utterly as Arturo implores? What's it to him? Wouldn't letting the town be destroyed by the worms be poetic justice? "Not dramatic enough!" Who keeps saying that?

  88. Where did Quinn get all this stuff? Did he stop at Al's House of Explosives on the way to the beach?

  89. Burke's death scene. Now that was high comedy! I haven't seen a more ridiculous death at the hands of a CGI creation since the scarab in "Slide Like an Egyptian" devoured the architect. Wait, wasn't that just one episode ago?

  90. Sudden dusk. It's broad daylight when Rembrandt runs into the cave; the sun is just about set when Quinn emerges two minutes later.

  91. Action Hero Quinn has defeated Bud, sucker-punched Burke, and destroyed the evil worm to preserve peace, justice, and liberty to the fair citizens of Paradise. Take that, Dean Cain!

  92. Rembrandt says there have been 54 years of sacrifices. I thought 1949 was the cut-off date!

  93. The gratuitous shots of Laurie's breasts in the closing scene. OK, I liked that, but I could see why OTHERS might hate it. Interesting side note: She does appear to have gotten much "larger" since the start of the episode. At first I thought it was a lighting trick. But after speaking with TemporalFlux, I've learned this scene was shot one month later and tacked on to the ep. Did Laurie pull a Kari Wuhrer in the interim?

  94. Quinn invites Laurie to slide with them. Eh...why the hell not? Might have saved us the trouble of bringing on Maggie later.

  95. The empty and meaningless gesture with the watch. NOBODY cared about Michael.

  96. The off screen jumps. Perhaps we could have ditched some of the crappy worm effects and actually seen the four jump into the vortex. You know, like we used to?

  97. At the start of the episode, Quinn says they're here for three days and change. Try two days and change. WHY oh WHY do they ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS FUCK UP THE TIMELINE? This is not hard. I cannot comprehend why this is so difficult. Not just in Season Three either; it has plagued this show since Day One.

  98. WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THEY THINKING, Part I. I don't care how isolated this town is, someone would have caught on after 50 years! This town was far from self-sufficient. They clearly had to deal with outsiders. What about the government? Do you think they forgot this town existed? Didn't they pay taxes?

  99. WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THEY THINKING, Part II. Why is this an episode of Sliders? What exactly is interesting about this world? Aside from a rumored American/Canadian border dispute, there's nothing in this episode.

  100. WHAT THE FUCK WHERE THEY THINKING, Part III. It's a giant, mutant, immortal, radioactive, goo-oozin', freakin' worm, for Christ's sake! Isn't that one reason enough to hate this episode? Just in case it wasn't, please see above 99 other reasons.
You know what's worse? I'VE JUST SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF THE PROBLEMS. The_Cynic also has done a scathing review of this episode and he's got another 50 things I didn't notice the first time through, including a slew of production errors. All in all, this episode is an absolute travesty. Not only did it suck, but they fired JRD immediately after production wrapped. Had I been John, I wouldn't have known whether to cry or dance for joy.