The vortex opens and the sliders spill out.
Quinn | Whoa, it's dark here.
Wade | Look at the architecture... this doesn't look like San Francisco.
Remmy | You're right, this looks more like New Orleans, I did a concert there once. Reminds me of the French Quarter.
Quinn | Guys - we CAN'T be in New Orleans.
Arturo | Well, perhaps on this world France settled America, or they simply had much more influence here. Who knows? How long are we here, anyway?
Quinn looks at the timer.
Quinn | A week. We better find a place to stay; let's check out the Dominion.
The sliders walk on but find a surprise instead. Where the Dominion usually lay was a different hotel... much more gothic-looking.
Wade | Ruthven inn?
Arturo | Hmmm, somehow that name seems familiar.
Quinn | Who cares, we need a room and soon, looks like it's going to rain.
They walk in and are greeted by a guy looking like a reject from "The Lost Boys."
Clerk | Hello, my name is Graf. How may I help you?
Quinn | Well, uh, "Graf" we need a room for the night.
Graf | For the night?
Graf | I'll have to check with my boss real quick.
Graf walks off.
Quinn | He needs to check for a room for the night?
Remmy | Hey, I've always said one day we'd run into a world where four people sharing a room is frowned upon.
Graf returns with 2 tall men. One dressed in mostly leather, the other in a black suit.
Leathered one | Good evening. I am Anton Seifer, owner of Ruthven Inn. This is my friend Salah Essex.
Wade | Hi, Sal -
Salah | Don't call me Sal.
Anton | Some idiot named... Guy Silver calls him Sal all the time... it annoys the hell out of him.
Wade | Sorry. Didn't mean any offence.
Salah | You're NEW in town aren't you?
Quinn | We just got in tonight... uhh... we're from Canada.
Both Anton and Salah look at each other, then back at the sliders.
Anton | How much do you have.
Quinn | Uh, not much, only like 50 bucks.
Graf | Well our cheapest rooms are at least 60.
Anton | Hey, we'll make an exception. I never could say no to a lady in distress... so, uh, what's your name again?
Wade | I'm Wade, this is Quinn, Arturo, and Remmy.
Anton | A room for each of you, on the house.
Graf | Are you SURE, sir?
Anton | Let's review. I own the hotel, I run the hotel, yes, I'd say I'm sure. Here are your room keys.
The sliders head up to their rooms.
Wade | That was, odd.
Quinn | Wonder if he would have given us rooms if you weren't here, Wade.
Remmy | Yeah, and I wonder why that Graf guy didn't want to give us any rooms.
Arturo | Well, we may think they are odd, but we may very well be the odd ones here.
Remmy | And we're stuck here for a week.
Quinn | At least we aren't being chased by dinosaurs.
Wade | And at least that Maggie girl is gone.
Arturo | At least I'm not being shot at by madmen!
Remmy | Good points!
We see what appears to be an office, complete with a round table with an Ankh on it.
Salah | Remind me why we are letting them stay here?
Anton | Simple. They OBVIOUSLY aren't from this world. No Norm in their right mind would stay here.
Another man dressed in grey, wearing a cross | Oh, not this "There are alternate worlds" stuff AGAIN.
Anton | Well how would YOU explain it, Eric? They aren't Hunters; our security is too good for that. They aren't those annoying wanna-be types. You tell me why Norms would be here, come to our Hotel, and not even have anything looking like recognition of our names.
Eric | I've said it before,
Anton | Don't you DARE say "God works in mysterious ways."
Eric | Well, he does.
Salah | WHY did someone turn him?
Anton | I can only guess they enjoyed the irony of a Christian Vampire. Just be glad he got over his "I'm going to hell because I'm a vampire" phase.
Eric | At least I never killed anyone.
Anton | Hey, he had it coming! I mean, it just isn't right that that talentless hack killed Forever Knight!
Salah | NOT the Peckinpah argument AGAIN!
Anton | I need to relax, where's that Selma gal...
A gorgeous dark-haired girl walks in and kisses Anton. She then sticks out her arm and he sinks his teeth into it, then a moment later lets go. Her arm still has 2 small bites on it.
Salah | How come all my "donors" are these idiot wanna-be vampires and YOU get a hot chick?
Anton | Maybe they don't like people who still play Super Nintendo.
Salah | So funny I even forgot to laugh.
We cut to someone putting on brown pants, a brown leather jacket, and green goggles... then pull back to reveal an extremely pale and skinny guy standing in front of a mirror.
Geeky voice | Cool, I look just like Blade in "Tomb of Dracula"... well, if he were white. Now, all the vampires in San Francisco will fear the name of... GUY SILVER!!!
Some other guy, shockingly even skinnier and paler than Silver runs into the room. He's wearing a suit that is obviously two sizes too big for him.
Even geekier voice | And his sidekick, Slayer Fan One!!!
Wade awoke in the hotel room, recalling an odd dream of landing on a world and being granted free lodgings. She then looked around.
Wade | Wow, it wasn't a dream... good, always love the worlds that don't make me run for my life.
Still dressed in her clothes from the night before, she walked down to the lobby. She saw the man she met as "Salah" the night before. He was dressed very "Matrix" like, much leather & vinyl.
Wade | Uhmm, Mr Essex.
Salah | Yes, uhh, Wade right?
Wade | Yeah, I was wondering... do you know any good places to eat?
Salah laughed loudly, very innappropriately.
Salah (still laughing) | I'll get Anton.
Quinn and the other Sliders had walked down.
Quinn | What did you tell him that was so funny?
Wade | I just asked if he knew any good places for some food.
Anton and Salah returned, Salah still giggling a bit.
Anton | Please pardon Salah's... sense of humor.
Salah | Or sense of food cravings as the case may be...
Anton shot a look at Salah. Salah just continued his grin.
Anton | Salah, would you please go get Selma for me?
Salah | Yeah.
Wade | I figured you'd know a few good diners around here.
Anton | I'm... a very picky eater.
Salah returned with the same good looking brunette we saw before being Anton's "donor." She walked over and hugged Anton.
Selma | What do you need, not "breakfast" time already?
Anton | Not for me, no. However Wade and her friends here are from out of town. I believe I mentioned them to you last night.
Selma | Oh yeah, the ones you gave free rooms.
Anton | Yes, well take them into town, get them some food, drink, anything they want. Just tell whoever asks they're my guests.
Selma | I think me going along conveys that message.
Anton | Better safe than sorry my dear.
Selma | True.
She turns to the sliders.
Selma | I'm Selma, a... friend of Anton's. Any foods you particularly like?
Wade | Well, I'm mostly a vegetarian type of person. I don't like eating anything that bleeds.
Almost everyone in earshot cracks up.
Selma | Ignore them, there are some weird people in this town.
As if on cue in burst Guy Silver and Slayer Fan One. The two are decked out in crosses, garlic, and vials of holy water. Both Anton and Salah immediately grab their heads and rub their temples... they can feel the headache coming on.
Guy | I am Guy Silver, VAMPIRE SLAYER, and this is my sidekick Slayer Fan One!
Wade | Vampire Slayer?
Selma (obviously scrambling for a cover story) | This is a vampire-themed hotel, town actually, and... these guys think it's real.
Guy | I shall SLAY the evil vampire prince Anton Seifer!
Guy runs full speed at Anton while SlayerFanOne runs at Salah.
Guy | My cross will send thee fleeing in terror!!
As the Sliders look on in concern the others laugh, and Selma just rolls her eyes.
Anton grabs the cross in one hand and spins around punching Guy in the back of the head, knocking him out cold.
Salah just sidesteps SlayerFanOne and watches him run straight into the wall.
Anton and Salah start dragging the unconscious pair out of the Hotel.
Anton | Please don't let these idiots concern you. They need mental help.
Salah | To receive mental help... don't you need a brain?
Anton | Touché.
After removing their crosses, they drag the pair to a fountain outside in the street, then toss them in. Both awaken with a start.
Guy | Nyet, thwarted again by the evil undead. Be warned, we shall beat both of you, you... gay bloodsuckers!
Guy and Slayer Fan One run off.
Salah | I think the only thing they beat is themselves.
Wade | Uhh, are there many other people like THEM in this town?
Selma | No, they're the village idiots.
Quinn | Well, at least they're dedicated to their job.
Selma | Painfully so. Well, we'd better get to going. Food, drink, and you need some new clothes if you want to fit in.
Quinn | Thanks.
Back in the hotel, Salah, Anton, and Eric are sitting at the table with the Ankh symbol on it. Also present is another good looking dark-haired girl.
Anton | I still say we shouldn't kill them; they're harmless really.
Eric | I agree, murder is wrong.
Salah | You don't have much problem with the whole blood-drinking thing do you Eric? And Anton. THEY aren't dangerous, but what if they tip off your new "Jumpers" or whatever. I mean it just takes one of those idiots to start one of those damned "pitchforks and fire" mobs! I say we let Stochi kill them, it isn't traceable back to us.
Anton | It's traceable to Stochi!
Stochi | Relax, I'll take them out, and make it look normal.
Anton | As painless as possible.
Stochi | Take ALL the fun out, why don't you.
Anton | I haven't been involved in someone's death since that Peckinpah guy, and he had it coming.
Eric | Canceling a TV show isn't grounds for murder!
Anton | You'll change your mind if they cancel Touched By An Angel.
Eric | They'd NEVER!
Stochi walks over to a wall and pulls on a candlestick. The wall slides open, revealing a vast assortment of old time weapons (no firearms.)
Back to our Sliders shopping with Selma... (Try saying THAT 3 times fast!)
Quinn | That was good steak... but, why the odd looks when we said 'well-done'?
Selma | Uhh... we're a culinary town.
Arturo | Yes, browning the meat destroys the taste.
Remmy | He recognized Anton's name; is he famous around here or something?
Selma | You could say that. Time passes fast, it's almost night... we'd best head back to the hotel.
Wade | Not safe at night?
Selma | Depends on one's definition of 'safe.'
Stochi is on the roof of a building, looking through a pair of binoculars at a window. We switch to her point of view and see Guy Silver sitting in a room looking at a magazine titled "Bestiality Monthly." We hear Stoker's voice as we see the actions of the Vampire Hunters.
We hear Stoker's voice as we see the actions of the Vampire Hunters.
Stochi | There you go, pick up the remote... now turn on the TV... come on... hey, where's he going?
Through the binoculars we see her watch as Guy goes to the kitchen and then turns, points the remote toward the TV and turns it on. The TV explodes... but Guy is far enough away to not be hurt.
Stochi | Dammit! Oh well, I always plan for mishaps.
She watches Guy, seemingly oblivious to the fact that his TV just exploded, reach into the refrigerator for a carton of milk.
Stochi | Good, now pour it in the glass I put the poison on...
Guy proceeds to drink the milk straight out of the carton.
Stochi | I really should have expected that...gave him too much credit. Well, screw being subtle.
Stochi jumps from the rooftop onto the Hunters' windowsill.
Guy | Hey, I think I saw something move out there!
Stochi (under her breath, too low for them to hear) | You think? That's a shock.
Slayer Fan One walks up to the window and open it.
Slayer F1 | Who are you?
Stochi (darkly) | I'm Santa Claus. And YOU...
Before Stochi can finish, Slayer F1 and Guy Silver start jumping for joy. Stochi just looks on stunned.
Guy | Santa, did you bring me a copy of "Sliding in the Rear"?
Stochi is still shocked, and remains mute.
Slayer F1 | Hey, isn't Santa supposed to be a guy... and come at Christmas?
Guy | Who cares... I bet she brought us presents!!!
Stochi | Well, the cool scene where I say "Santa Claus," blow your head off and add "You've been very bad" is ruined... guess I'll have to get straight to the killing part.
Guy and Slayer F1 use their eight combined brain cells and run from the room, then from the hotel.
Stochi | I can't believe this... I've been doing this for nearly an aeon and NO one's gotten got away before!
Stochi quickly follows the hunters...
The Sliders are walking back to the hotel with Selma. In their new clothing, Quinn looks like his double in "The Alternateville Horror," Remmy and Arturo are dressed in black suits (Arturo with a new black trenchcoat), and Wade wears her original "Stoker" outfit.
Wade | So why are we heading back again?
Selma | Well, the streets here are actually pretty safe, but since you're new I figure it's safer if you're inside. After all, those Hunters are idiots but you wouldn't want to be out here and have them think YOU'RE vampires would you?
Quinn | Good point, especially in these clothes. And why do I suddenly feel like I should talk in an annoying, fake British accent?
Suddenly we hear girlish screaming. Moments later, our two (least) favorite Vampire Hunters shriek and flail their way into view. Guy stops and grabs Quinn.
Guy | She's gonna KILL US... HELP US!
Quinn just looks shocked, and very worried for Guy's sanity. Within seconds Stochi runs up, hot on their heels.
Stochi | Come back here and die like men, you toads!!
The Hunters run for their lives. All the sliders turn and look at Selma.
Selma | If someone was trying to drive stakes through YOUR heart while you were sleeping, you'd be upset too.
The sliders all shrug.
They arrive back at the hotel and see Anton, Salah and Eric Nygma all discussing something.
Anton | I say they exist.
Salah | Maybe, but how could all of them exist at once... and how are they formed?
Eric | Don't exist, therefore no problem.
Anton | They DO exist.
Eric | Let's ask your GUESTS.
Anton obviously looks upset but doesn't say anything.
Eric | Hi, we've been discussing something for a while. and we want your opinion. Anton here believes that there are alternate worlds... what's your opinion?
Quinn | Well, uhh, anything's possible. I mean, like Shakespeare said "There are more things between heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies."
Anton | Thank you.
Eric | Great, next thing you'll be telling me Zombies are real...
He walks off.
Anton | Ha ha ha, thank you again. He's a nice guy, but we disagree on just about everything. So, enjoy your day shopping?
Quinn | Yeah, but we ran into one of those Hunter guys again. Claimed some gal was trying to kill them.
Anton looks concerned, but quickly hides it.
Anton | Hmmm, perhaps I'd best check that out... last thing I need is a murder... bad for business.
Anton and Salah leave the room as the sliders walk up to theirs.
Anton | Call Stochi, tell her to let them go for now. If the idiots die they may put it together and figure out we're for real.
Salah | Yeah, I'm with you this time. Not sure if they're from an "Alternate universe" space, or just amnesiac. But they obviously don't believe in vampires.
Anton | Hurry up and call her. We'll have to deal with them another way...
Anton was pacing around the table at which Salah, Eric, Selma and Stochi all sat.
Selma | If it helps at all, I got Wade and the others to think Stochi was just upset that they had tried to stake her.
Anton | Good idea, but we still need to get rid of them without rousing the Sliders' suspicions.
Salah | You should have listened to me the first time they came in and thrown them into the ocean.
Anton | Well how was I to know "Guy Silver" was really serious about hunting us down? We know more than a dozen "hunters" who've left after fighting us.
Salah | True, but they all had mildly functioning brains.
Suddenly a huge noise is emitted from the lobby of the Ruthven Inn.
Anton, Salah and Stochi run towards a flight of stairs and emerge from a locker, then proceed out the door into the lobby. The door is marked "Janitor's Closet."
Salah (whispering) | We need to get a better secret hideout.
Anton | Hey, it's clichéd, but no one would actually LOOK for an entrance there!
The Vampiric Trio stop in their tracks as they see... you guessed it, Guy Silver and Slayer Fan One. As is their usual reaction to the annoying duo, Anton and Salah grab their heads and rub their temples.
Anton's eyes fire up, turning the white into blood red, a stark contrast with his black iris and pupils. He marches up, grabs Guy with one hand, and strikes him against the wall. As Slayer Fan One pulls out a stake, Salah comes up and seizes him, placing him in a headlock.
Anton (voice now partly growling) | LISTEN, you annoying little piece of crap. I've put up with you and Slayer's annoying little quest for over a year now, but I have grown sick of this game! Now I'm giving you 2 choices: either LEAVE our province now, or I will be forced to HURT you, a LOT and SLOWLY!!
Anton holds him up for a few more seconds and drops him. Guy gasps for breath and then runs like hell. Anton turns around to see Slayer Fan One still in Salah's headlock.
Salah | Are you sure I can't kill him now?
Anton | No killing in my hotel.
Anton bends over and looks into SFOne's eyes.
Anton | But if we DO see you again, I can promise we won't kill you. There are tortures FAR worse than death.
Salah grins and lets SFone go, then runs after Guy instead.
Anton and Salah turn and look at Stochi who is pointing up. Anton and Salah turn again to see the Sliders looking down, worried. The Sliders start to bolt for the door.
Anton | This looks bad, doesn't it?
Anton watches as the sliders ran for the door, mentally slapping himself silly for letting the idiotic hunters Guy Silver and Slayer Fan One get under his skin like that. Panicking, he jumps and grabs Wade's arm.
Anton | WAIT!
Wade | Get off of me!
She jerks her arm back and bolts out the door.
Anton | DAMMIT!
Salah | Great, now what do we do?
Anton | We find them. They can't be far, and we have enough power to keep up with where they go.
The sliders continue running down the street, finally stopping at a corner several blocks from the "Ruthven Inn."
Quinn | What just happened?
Remmy | Anton attacked those Vampire hunter guys, and he had red eyes and superstrength to do it too!
Arturo | Surely there must be a rational explanation. Perhaps all those years caused immense adrenaline, which gave him strength?
Quinn | And the red eyes?
Arturo | Good question; perhaps it's a physical sign of anger on this world?
Remmy | Yeah, but look at all this stuff. Gothic architecture in San Francisco. People unwilling to rent us rooms for the night... Come to think of it, look around. Almost no one was out here today, now it's night and the place is buzzing.
Arturo | A town of night owls?
Remmy | We gotta find out what's going on. I think we passed a library when we went out eating.
Anton | Any word?
Graf | No luck, sire. Someone asking for a room in the daytime, especially in their new wardrobe, would attract attention. No such incidents have taken place in all of California.
Anton | Great. Dammit. You were right Salah, we should have booted the hunters out the minute they came into town.
Salah | Can you repeat that? The part about me being right?
Anton shot Salah a look, and then placed his head in his palms.
Anton | I'm a Norm from another reality, I don't know what just happened, but I'm scared witless. Where do I go?
Wade | I FOUND IT!
Remmy, Quinn and Arturo all huddle up behind Wade and her library computer terminal.
Wade | Who would have guessed, a history website with an essay on "Nosferatuism." In 1349, the same time the Plague was ravishing Europe in our world, here a weird disease caught on.
Remmy | Disgusting.
Wade | Doctors shortly found a small supply of blood could keep patients alive. And that physical, intimate contact would transfer the disease. This explained why the disease had previously run in families. Exposure to one another's blood would transfer the disease.
Arturo | Well then why didn't they figure the -- cure -- out before?
Wade | Well, I think what they mean is... say a little boy is at school and becomes 'blood brothers' with another boy. Now he has the disease. He gets a cut on his ankle and his mom kisses it, now she has the disease... and let's not forget, this was before the age of Tampax.
Remmy, Arturo, Quinn | EWWWWWWWWW!
Wade (rolling eyes) | Anyway, it wasn't that long until they realized those who had the disease either aged much slower, or didn't age at all. It was a real life form of the mythological Vampirism. The only thing is, these people didn't need to kill someone to survive, they only needed a little blood every day. It says here that they spread out over the world, even forming their own cities. London, Romania, Egypt and Louisiana, which here encompasses the entire Louisiana purchase and everything west of it, are all like havens for the 'Nosferatu'... and those who wish to be Nosferatu.
Quinn | What about those Guy Silver and Slayer Fan one guys?
Wade | It mentions there is still discrimination against them. Once they found out that blood cured the disease and they didn't like the sun, automatically people associated them with mythological Vampires. This resulted in several groups, including the Knights Templar, actively seeking to kill people infected. Although many of these groups have since disbanded, some individual descendants still keep up the 'Holy War' against the 'Demonic Hordes' of Nosferatu...
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