The Gopher Part IV - End of Epic
Chapter II - Final Day

(12:00 p.m.)

[ Joey is sitting in Peck's office, fiddling with the computer. Bill Dial and Lunchboy step back in. ]

Bill Dial: Hey, Joey, we're going to lunch!
Joey: Did you just spend two hours having breakfast!
Bill Dial: [defensive] Hey, don't question my executive decisions!
Joey: Where are you going?
Bill Dial: Hooters. They have a new drive-thru I wanted to try out. Be right back. C'mon, Lunchboy!
Lunchboy: Okay, Boss.

[ Bill Dial and Lunchboy leave. Joey goes back to what he was doing. ]

(12:30 p.m.)

[ Bill Dial and Lunchboy find themselves in a traffic jam on a four-lane highway. Bill Dial is driving; Lunchboy is in the passenger's seat. Both lanes are jammed up. Bill Dial is on the inner lane. ]

Bill Dial: What the hell? I want lunch, dammit! Why the hell is there a traffic jam.
Lunchboy: Well, Boss, maybe it's because all these other folks are trying to get up to the drive-thru window at Hooters too.
Bill Dial: Lunchboy, roll down your window.

[ Lunchboy quietly complies. Bill Dial turns his head and yells at a car in the neighboring lane. ]

Bill Dial: [yelling] Hey!

[ Bill Dial makes a motion for the driver to roll down his window. He does so. ]

Driver: What?
Bill Dial: Where are you going?
Driver: I'm trying to get to Hooters to get lunch at the drive-thru window!

(1:30 p.m.)

[ Bill Dial and Lunchboy are still caught in the same traffic jam. They have their collars unbuttoned, all the windows open, and are sitting silently in the car, visibly bored and sweating. ]

(2:30 p.m.)

[ Bill Dial is slumped over the steering wheel, the horn blowing in a constant monotone as he sleeps right on it. Lunchboy himself is on the brink of sleeping, slumping over the open window. Other car horns can he heard in the distance. ]

(3:00 p.m.)

[ Back in Peck's office, Joey looks up as Da walks in the door. ]

Joey: Da! Wow, it's great to see you!
Narrator: I thought I was in love with her. I still think I was.
Da: Yeah, great to see you too... Where's that movie you wanted to edit?
Joey: Follow me.

[ Joey gets up and leaves the office. Da follows along.
While they're walking down the hall, they pass a janitor closet. Da grabs Joey by the back of his shirt. She opens the closet door. ]

Da: You know, I don't really feel like doing any editing. Let me show you something a bit more... productive.

[ Da drags Joey into the closet and slams the door behind her. ]

Joey: This won't take more than an hour, right?

[ Da laughs. She begins to unbutton her shirt.
From the hall, we can hear Joey shouting. ]

Joey: Whoa, so that's what you meant!
Narrator: I found out later Da was in withdrawals because her boyfriend dumped her a week ago. I figured we wouldn't take more than 45 minutes. Besides, it felt good. Really really good!

(3:30 p.m.)

[ Bill Dial and Lunchboy are in the same positions they were in an hour ago. Lunchboy begins to wake up. Lunchboy wakes Bill Dial up by rubbing his shoulder. Bill Dial slowly awakens and sits straight up. ]

Bill Dial: [tired] What?
Lunchboy: The line's moving!

[ Bill Dial looks out the windshield. ]

Bill Dial: Hey, it is!

[ Bill Dial taps the gas pedal. ]

Bill Dial: Damn, it's hot out here!

[ Bill Dial unbuttons his shirt.
Meanwhile, back outside Peck's office, Peck and Kari pass through the maze of cubicles. ]

Kari: Hey, Peck, it was really romantic of you to bust me out of jail!
Peck: A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!
Kari: Let's make love... again!
Peck: Damn, I thought you'd be spent after the drive home!

[ Kari drags Peck into a cubicle. ]

(3:45 p.m.)

[ We can still hear Joey and Da smooching in the janitor closet. ]

[ We can still hear Peck and Kari smooching in the cubicle. ]

(4:00 p.m.)

[ Miss Stillman looks around on the floor of the skyscraper where Peck's office is located. Eventually, she gives up searching and decides to wait in Peck's office. She is clearly oblivious to the sounds Joey, Da, Peck, and Kari are making. ]

[ We can still hear Joey and Da smooching in the janitor closet. ]

[ We can still hear Peck and Kari smooching in the cubicle. ]

(4:30 p.m.)

[ After his car makes a slight jump forward, Lunchboy looks out the windshield. Both he and Bill Dial have stripped down to their underwear. ]

Lunchboy: Oh my God!
Bill Dial: What?
Lunchboy: I see... Hooters!
Bill Dial: Really?
Lunchboy: Yeah... [shouting] I see Hooters!

[ Lunchboy sticks his head out the window. ]

Lunchboy: [shouting] Hey, everybody, I see Hooters!

[ Bill Dial looks out the windshield. Sure enough, the restaurant can be seen (albeit barely) in the distance.
Lunchboy and Bill Dial hear loud cheering from all the cars behind them, which are filled with happy middle-aged men. ]

(5:00 p.m.)

[ Larva Bosch looks around on the floor of the skyscraper where Peck's office is located. After ten minutes of searching, she gives up searching and decides to wait in Peck's office. She is clearly oblivious to the sounds Joey, Da, Peck, and Kari are making. ]

[ We can still hear Joey and Da smooching in the janitor closet. ]

[ We can still hear Peck and Kari smooching in the cubicle. ]

(5:10 p.m.)

[ Larva walks into Peck's office and is surprised to see Miss Stillman. ]

Larva, Miss Stillman: [in unison] Who the hell are you? [in response] My man works here!

[ The two of them pause. Larva extends a hand. ]

Larva: I'm Larva Bosch.
Miss Stillman: Miss Stillman... I teach English at Hutaff-Kimble High School. Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Larva: I have no idea.

[ Meanwhile, Bill Dial and Lunchboy, grinning from ear to hear, pull into the drive-thru window of Hooters. A waitress bends over to them and hands them two bags of food. Bill Dial and Lunchboy giggle wildly as they drive away. ]

(5:40 p.m.)

[ Bill Dial and Lunchboy walk back into Peck's office carrying their food. They stop in surprise when they see Larva and Miss Stillman sitting on the desk. ]

Bill Dial: Who the hell are you?
Larva: We're the girlfriends of two people in Sliders production.
Miss Stillman: Yeah. I believe, between the two of us, we're dating Joey and Peck, the guy whose office this is. Right, Larva?
Larva: That sounds right!
Bill Dial: Well, this isn't his office anymore! I've taken over!
Miss Stillman: Who are you?
Bill Dial: Bill Dial, the new executive producer!
Larva: You know, we've been waiting for our boyfriends forever! You want to help us look around?
Lunchboy: Sure. They have to be somewhere on this floor.

[ Meanwhile, Sandy shows up on the same floor. Nobody sees her as she quietly looks around for Peck. She pulls a six-shooter out of her purse, examines it, and puts it back in. ]

(6:00 p.m.)

Narrator: Sometimes, love can do a lot of damage.

[ Bill Dial, Lunchboy, Miss Stillman, and Larva hear smooching from a cubicle. The four of them step in the cubicle to find Peck and Kari almost completely naked. ]

Lunchboy: Peck... cheating on your wife!

[ Miss Stillman and Larva instantly look at each other. ]

Larva, Miss Stillman: [in unison] Oh, I'm sorry! [pause] Don't be. I should be the one feeling sorry for you.

[ The six of them jump as they all hear a bloodcurdling scream. They all run to the source.
There is Sandy, almost catatonic, outside the janitor closet, staring in with her finger pointed straight into it. ]

Lunchboy: Who the hell are you?
Peck: That's Sandy, my wife.

[ Miss Stillman and Larva look at each other. ]

Larva, Miss Stillman: [in unison] But I thought... But if you're not... Then who...

[ Miss Stillman and Larva look into the closet. ]

Sandy: [yelling] Joey Simms, I can't believe you would betray our love like this!

[ Joey gets up and takes a step into view. Da is right behind him. ]

Joey: What are you talking about? We were never dating!
Sandy: I can't believe you would be so cold as to ignore the looks of love I gave you!
Joey: All you did was stare at me. We were never dating!
Sandy: And now I find you in there cavorting with my daughter!
Larva, Miss Stillman: [in unison] Joey? My Joey?

[ Miss Stillman and Larva let out twin bloodcurdling screams.
Sandy turns her head and sees Peck and Kari, bare-ass naked. ]

Sandy: Peck, you too?!
Peck: I can explain!
Sandy: Explain it to Mister Six-Shooter!

[ Sandy suddenly pulls out her revolver. Everyone else panics and raises both hands into the air. Sandy shoots two rounds into the air threateningly. ]

Joey: Is there anybody here who ISN'T in love with somebody else here?
Bill Dial: I always thought Sandy was kinda cute.
Lunchboy: I've fantasized about Peck's daughter.
Da: Ew, sick!

[ Joey, Larva, Miss Stillman, Peck, Kari, Sandy, Bill Dial, Lunchboy, and Da are all in a big circle (not in that order; Peck is between Bill Dial and Kari). Sandy points her gun at Peck. ]

Peck: Sandy, calm down Honey!
Sandy: [extremely angry] How can you expect me to calm down, HONEY, when I just caught you cheating on me with this floozy?!
Larva: I hardly think name calling is...
Joey: No, Sandy's right. She's a floozy.
Peck: It's true... But Honey, I think your pregnancy is causing your hormones...
Sandy: [interrupting, still extremely angry] Hormones? HORMONES?! I'll show you the meaning of hormones!

[ Sandy shoots Bill Dial three times. He falls down dead. ]

Sandy: Let that be an example to you, Peck!
Peck: Now, I can understand why you'd shoot HIM, but give ME a chance!

[ The eight of them hear some footsteps. Sandy turns and fires a round out of her gun. She succeeds only in destroying a light on the ceiling. While she is distracted, Joey tackles her. ]

Narrator: In case you're wondering, I probably would've done that even if I didn't know Sandy's gun was empty.

[ The other six look at these two, stunned. Suddenly, a man tackles Peck. The two of them wrestle on the ground for a short while. The mysterious man pins Peck down. Peck looks at him, surprised. ]

Peck: Uncle Sam?!
Sam: [angry] This is for ruining the Peckinpah name!

[ Sam headbutts Peck. ]

Sam: [angry] I'm Sam Peckinpah. I used to be one of the most respected producers in Hollywood... until my worthless nephew Peck came along and made stupid shows that ruined our family's reputation! I STILL can't believe a Peckinpah produced "Celebrity Springer!"
Peck: Would it help if I said I was sorry?
Sam: [angry] You have to be punished for your idiocy! Assume the position, Peck!

[ Peck reluctantly gets up, turns around, and bends over. Sam whips out his belt and gives Peck a serious whuppin. ]

Peck: [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow! [WHACK] Ow!
Sam: [angry] Now go sit in the corner!

[ Peck quietly sits in a nearby corner. ]

Peck: Lunchboy, I'm paying you to support me here!

[ Lunchboy walks over and meekly sits next to him. ]

Sam: And Peck! One more thing! No producing for a year!
Peck: Aw, but Uncle Sam...
Sam: No!
Narrator: Thus ends Peck's time ruining the entertainment industry with his crap. It felt like the end of a dark age.

[ Joey and Sandy get up. Sandy pockets the empty gun. Joey, Sandy, Miss Stillman, Larva, Kari, and Da stare at Sam. ]

Da: Didn't you die in 1984?
Sam: [whispering] Keep it down! I don't want Peck to hear!
Da: [whispering] Hear what?
Sam: [whispering] Da, I'm not your great uncle.

[ Sam's hand goes to his neck, and he pulls off a latex mask, revealing a completely different face underneath. ]

Da: [whispering] Bruce?
Bruce: [whispering] In the flesh.
Kari: [whispering] Who the hell are you?
Bruce: [whispering] The name's Bruce Boxleitner. Peck and I are best friends. I even named my kid after his second-born!
Sandy: [whispering] What are you doing here?
Bruce: [whispering] I kept asking your husband when you and I and he and Melissa were...
Joey: [whispering] Who's Melissa?
Bruce: [whispering] My wife. Anyway, I kept trying to get the four of us together for dinner, but he kept putting it off and putting it off and putting it off. I'm tired of him being too busy producing to spend time with his friends!
Joey here was telling me that Peck was giving him a hard time. Joey had a plan for me to come down here and discourage Peck so he could stop producing and spend more time with his friends.
Sandy: [whispering] Did you have to be so violent about it?
Bruce: [whispering] I wanted him to know how it feels to be hurt by someone you care about.

[ Sandy, Miss Stillman, and Larva all give Joey a dirty look. Da and Kari just smile smugly. ]

Joey: What?
Bruce: Well, I'm outta here. Let's get together soon, Sandy!
Peck: Can I come out now, Uncle Sam?
Bruce: No!

[ Bruce leaves. ]

Miss Stillman: I just can't take this anymore! It's over, Joey!
Larva: Yeah, Joey, we're through!

[ The two of them suddenly start crying. ]

Narrator: Oh geez.
Miss Stillman: [crying] What am I gonna do now?
Larva: [crying] We could always [sniff] go out with each other!

[ Miss Stillman's and Larva's tears start to clear up. ]

Miss Stillman: Sorry, I don't do women.
Larva: Oh, that's okay... I'm not really a woman.
Miss Stillman: Then that's perfect! Let's go out for some coffee!

[ Miss Stillman and Larva walk away, holding hands.
Sandy looks over at Peck. ]

Sandy: And Peck! Another thing! When I get home, I'm burning that stash of Playboys you didn't think I knew about!
Peck: Awwwww.
Sandy: And don't even bother coming home for a week!
Peck: Awwwww.
Sandy: And I'm done maintaining your motorcycle collection! You'll have a lot of repairs to do when you do come home!
Joey: Uh, Sandy, sorry I tackled you and betrayed your love and stuff.
Sandy: Oh, it's okay. I understand.
Joey: Hey, do you think I could have one of Peck's motorcycles, since you're not going to be taking care of them anyway?
Sandy: Of course! You can have them all. It's probably just as well. Peck used to get his ass kicked by the Hell's Angels every day. Without them, he'll stop acting like the Fonz all the time. I'll be home when you want to pick them up.

[ Sandy leaves. ]

Kari: Well... while Peck's in the corner, I'm gonna go do something I always wanted to do!
Joey: Learn long division?
Kari: No, silly... photocopy my boobs!

[ Kari leaves, leaving Da and Joey. ]

Joey: So...
Da: So...

(7:00 p.m.)

[ Joey and Da are still standing together silently in front of the janitor closet. Joey breaks the silence. ]

Joey: I guess this is the end.
Da: What are we going to do now?
Joey: Well, we could get that editing done.
Da: Might as well. Did you know I can manipulate the credits so you and I are credited as executive producers?
Joey: That'll be awesome! We'll have a Hollywood career all set up, and we haven't even graduated high school!
Da: Da Peckinpah and Joey Simms... executive producers!

[ Joey and Da laugh. They walk away together, holding hands. ]


(Joey, Da, Travis)

Narrator: So, that was it. The next day, I officially quit my job.

[ We see Peck sitting in the corner. Joey kicks him in the butt and laughs. ]

Narrator: I got to go back home.

[ Joey is at his parents' doorstep. They open the door with a suspicious look on their faces. He shows them a VHS tape (obviously the Sliders movie). His parents smile and let him in the house.
Later, Joey is grinning as he stuffs his wallet with cash. ]

Narrator: I got paid an executive producer's salary, which means I'm filthy rich! I also got a new job working for some movie star as a maid.

[ We see Joey dancing with a mop in a large hall in a mansion to the song, "The Future's So Bright I Gotta Wear Shades" by Timbuk3, which is erupting from a nearby boombox. ]

Narrator: I know I look really dumb, and that's a really stupid song, but I love every minute of it! As for me and Da...

[ We see Joey straddling a Harley-Davidson with a report card in his hand. Da rides pillion as he examines the report card. It reads as follows...


Joey laughs. He fires up the hog, and he and Da ride away, both of them laughing happily. The two of them ride off into the sunset as Joey throws the report card away. ]

Narrator: Of course, you can't win 'em all.

[ We see Joey in his house. He answers the door to see Da. Travis is several yards away, on the street in front of Joey's house. Travis is straddling a motorcycle. ]

Joey: Trav?
Da: Joey... it's not working out.
Travis: Hey, get back on the Trav Cycle before I leave your ass behind, woman!

[ Joey closes the front door and hangs his head. ]

Narrator: I'll never understand why so many women are attracted to guys who mistreat them.

[ Joey pulls out his incredibly fat wallet and smiles. ]

Narrator: But what did I have to complain about? Life was still 90% fan-damn-tastic!
Even better, everyone else in my life has a happy ending too...

(Miss Stillman, Larva)

[ Miss Stillman and Larva, clad in a very revealing bikinis, are with several other equally dressed women playing volleyball in front of a huge mansion. All of them are wearing bunny ears. ]

Narrator: Turns out, one of Miss Stillman's other students was a gopher working for Hugh Hefner. He pulled a few strings, and Miss Stillman and Larva began posing for Playboy as a wife and wife team.

[ Miss Stillman and Larva pose together on several covers of Playboy. ]

Narrator: The two of them had a huge career for Playboy because everybody thought Larva is a real woman. After some time, their career hit an abrupt end on the set of a certain movie when a director found out the truth about what's between Larva's legs.

[ On the set of a movie, the director watches onward as a shower scene plays out. Miss Stillman is standing outside the shower stall with a whip in her hand while Larva is inside. As the shower door, flies open, we only see the look on the director's face. ]

Director: Okay, Larva, now you step out of the shower, and... [sudden] OH DEAR GOD!
Narrator: Luckily, the two of them made enough money where they were set for life, so Miss Stillman didn't go back to teaching. The two of them live together somewhere in LA. They stopped hating me after a while; now I'm friends with them. They invite me over for dinner a lot... although watching them kiss is more disturbing than you might think.

[ Joey sits at a dinner table and shudders as Larva and Miss Stillman tongue-kiss right in front of him. ]


[ Sandy Peckinpah has a baby in her arms as she smiles at the mailman. We see her belly is still quite large. ]

Narrator: Sandy had that baby. Turns out, the father was their mailman, but nobody cared. She was pregnant again in a month. This time, I believe the baby was Peck's.


[ Bruce, Sandy, and another woman sit eating around a dinner table, laughing and talking. ]

Bruce: And so he says, "Not in my backyard!"

[ The other woman and Sandy laugh uproariously. ]

Narrator: Peck never did invite Bruce over to his house for dinner... but Sandy did. Bruce and his wife Melissa go there almost every night.


[ We see a strip club with a number of fully clothed girls coming out on stage and dancing. Below them, dozens of men wave dollar bills, shouting. ]

Narrator: Turns out, Peck took the Sliders movie, cut up the film, and used a combination of movie footage and outtakes to make his own version of the Sliders movie. I let him get away with it, since everyone still worshipped my version and hated Peck.
Since Peck was still grounded from producing, he got another job on the side.

[ Suddenly, "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred starts playing. Peck comes out and starts to play with his clothes and dance. ]

Narrator: There's this strip club in town that's an equal-opportunity employer. So, when he wasn't out partying with the actors from Sliders, he was there.

(Scooby Doo)

[ Joey walks around in his dreams with a controlling smile on his face. He walks up to his own private jet and steps inside, carrying his luggage with him.
He sits down in a back seat as Velma comes by, carrying a drink. ]

Joey: Thanks!
Velma: Anything for a hot hunk like you!

[ Joey looks behind him. Shaggy is scrubbing the floors and Daphne is dusting the unused seats. ]

Joey: Thanks for cleaning up!
Daphne: For you, Joey, anything! Can we get you a pillow, a blanket, or something to drink?
Joey: Sure.
Daphne: My pleasure!

[ Daphne snaps his fingers and Joey is laying on a comfortable bed inside the jet with a goblet in his hand.
Joey looks at the cockpit, Scooby Doo and Freddy are flying the plane with smiles on their faces. ]

Freddy: Is the ride comfortable?
Joey: It sure is! Hey, gang, thanks for being so servile!
Freddy: Anything for Joey!
Scooby: Rooby rooby roo!
Narrator: My dreams rock now that I've put Scooby and the gang in their place! If you think that's great, you'd love to hear what I did to Scrappy!


[ We see Joey in extremely fancy clothes relaxing in a limousine. A girl of about the same age sits next to him. We can tell now that this is where Joey was narrating the whole story. ]

Joey: [narrating] I decided to follow up on my executive producing career! I'm one of the most respected producers around because I actually treat my subordinates right! I also got a new girlfriend. This is Paige! She's just as smart as me and is COMPLETELY NORMAL! She's not a teacher or a... thing or anything. Woohoo! Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some work to do...

[ Joey and Paige laugh as we see Joey's limo ride off into the sunset. ]

The End

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