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The Gopher Part II - Recruitment of Pain
Chapter III - Rectal Problems


[ Joey wakes up suspended a few feet above a hospital bed. He looks around and sees that he can't move any part of his body. He hears footsteps from behind. ]

Peck: Well, hey, Joey! How ya doin'?
Joey: Can't... move... nose... itches...

[ Joey hears and feels Peck slap him on the rear. He screams. ]

Peck: Well, get better soon! You may have gotten John, Sabrina, Cleavant, Jerry, and Charlie, but you still have three to go! I'll be back tomorrow. Have fun!

[ Joey hears Peck walk away. Joey waits, dangling for a few hours. Joey closes his eyes and starts to fall asleep. ]

Narrator: I thought I had died and gone to hell. I couldn't help but wonder which of the Ten Commandments I may have broken. Maybe Larva constituted adultery.

[ Joey starts to open his eyes. ]

Narrator: But that couldn't be right. I'd never cheat on...
Joey: ... Miss Stillman?

[ Joey looks down and sees Miss Stillman lying on the hospital bed directly below him. ]

Miss Stillman: Hi honey.
Joey: Did you... die too?
Miss Stillman: Of course not, silly. What are you talking about? Hey, you want to see a picture of yourself?! This is you!

[ Miss Stillman whips out a picture of Joey. He's dangling from the ceiling. The area from the backs of his knees all the way up to the nape of his neck is bandaged up. Both of his arms are in slings connected to the ceiling, and his legs are propped up the same way. He has a neck brace and the upper half of his head is almost thoroughly bandaged. He's wearing a gown which has several ropes which lead up to the ceiling. He is suspended about two feet above the hospital bed. A bedpan lays directly below his crotch. Two intravenous units pump fluids into his right wrist. He looks down and sees that everything seems to match up. ]

Miss Stillman: That accident you had scraped the skin clean off your cute little butt! They had to hang you from the ceiling because you couldn't sit down!
Joey: Geez...
Miss Stillman: You know, I've never made out in a hospital before, pooky!
Joey: Now... wouldn't... be... a good... day to... start...
Miss Stillman: Oh, you're so silly.

[ Miss Stillman hugs him in what feels like an air-tight hold and kisses him. Everything Miss Stillman touches begins to ache for Joey. ]

Joey: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! That HURTS!
Miss Stillman: You're just not used to all this me-time, Joey, but I'll help you out!
Narrator: It was about an hour and a half before she let go of me. If I wasn't in such pain, I'd have actually been enjoying myself. In fact, it probably would have been the most fun I've ever had in my life. But I was pretty glad when she left, but the day wasn't over yet.

[ Joey continues hanging over the hospital bed long after Miss Stillman leaves. After she's gone, we hear footsteps. Joey turns his head and eventually sees Larva. ]

Joey: Hey... Larva...
Larva: Hello, there, handsome! How are you today?
Joey: I'm... in... lots... of... pain...
Larva: Oh, and I was going to make tonight extra-special. But if you're in pain, I better go.
Joey: Later...
Narrator: If I wasn't hanging above a hospital bed swinging like a pendulum with my ass, back, arms, legs, and head in every known species of pain, I might have actually felt lucky that a... whatever Larva is didn't come on to me anymore. That was it for that day, but the next day...

[ We see Peck walking back through the door. With him is a woman. Joey immediately recognizes her: Kari Wuhrer. ]

Joey: Peck...
Peck: Good morning, sunshine!
Joey: Kari...?
Peck: Yep, that's her! This is Kari Wuhrer. She's one of the people you had to go recruit.
Kari: Aw, Peck, you're so sweet!
Peck: I know.
Narrator: No wonder those two had an affair going for about three years. They have so much in common. They have the same number of digits in their IQ... one.
Joey: Why... aren't... you... in... Miami...?
Kari: I came here to visit Peck!
Peck: Oh, Kari, I'd have paid double the airfare to go to Miami just to see your face again!
Kari: Awww... Peck, you're so sweet! ... Do me!
Joey: What...?
Kari: Do me, Peck! Right here! Right now!
Peck: [giggling] Okay!

[ Peck and Kari start to kiss and fall to the floor. ]

Peck: [distracted by Kari] Hey, Joey... [smooch] call my wife and tell her I was out buying balloons for [smooch] Da's birthday party!
Joey: When's... Da's... birthday...?
Peck: In [smooch] about nine months.
Joey: Kari...
Kari: What now?
Joey: You... working... on... movie...?
Kari: Of course!
Narrator: Six down. Two to go.

[ We see Joey in crutches walking up to a house. ]

Joey: Well, I eventually got better. I can't say how long it took. I completely lost track of time. But of course once I was done it was off to visit Rob and Tembi.

[ Joey rings the doorbell. He hears a muffled, faraway voice. ]

Robert: [muffled, faraway] It's open!

[ Joey opens the door and walks in. He looks around the house. ]

Robert: [faraway] We're over here!

[ Joey hears the sound of water running. He follows Robert's voice into the bathroom. As he opens the door, he finds Robert and Tembi taking a shower together. The glass shower stall makes it impossible to see them clearly. ]

Joey: Are there two of you in there?
Robert: Yep.
Joey: Are you... Robert Floyd and Tembi Locke?
Robert: We sure are.
Tembi: Who are you?
Joey: I'm Joey Simms. I was sent to talk to you about a Sliders movie.
Tembi: Sliders?
Joey: Yeah, we're getting the whole cast back together to do a movie based on the TV show Sliders and we wanted to get the two of you to act in it.
Robert: Is Peck working on it too?
Joey: Yeah, he's my boss.
Tembi: Well... I want to see the script first.
Robert: Good idea!

[ Joey reaches over the shower stall, holding a copy of the screenplay. He sees Robert's white hand come up and grab it. Robert and Tembi start reading. After a few minutes, Robert hands it back to Joey the same way. Joey opens up the screenplay and sees that all the ink is smeared. ]

Robert: Yeah, I guess we'll do it.
Joey: Good... by the way, when did the two of you start dating?
Robert: What are you talking about? We're just friends!
Joey: You're friends? ... But you're taking a shower together!
Robert: So what's wrong with that? Lots of friends take showers together!
Tembi: You seem like a nice kid. You can join us if you want! Um, Robert, there's a spot on my back I can't quite...
Robert: I'll get it, honey...

[ Joey silently walks back out of the house.
We see Joey frowning in Peck's office. A copy of a screenplay sits on the desk in front of Peck. ]

Narrator: Just when I thought it was over, Peck said to me...
Peck: That's great! Now go get the supporting cast!

[ We see Joey smiling in Peck's office. The same screenplay sits on the same desk. ]

Narrator: I was back in three days. Luckily, actors without much of a career can't afford to be as fickle as big-name folks. They were begging me for a job!
Peck: I told you there was a "Supporting Actors 'r Us" in town!
Narrator: Now all I had to do was replace the screenplay...

[ Joey points to the window behind Peck. ]

Joey: Hey, Peck, look over there!

[ Peck turns around. ]

Peck: Where?!

[ Joey snatches the screenplay on the desk and replaces it with his own. Peck turns back around. ]

Peck: Oh, well... Well, Joey, now all we have to do is produce the movie!
Joey: [hopeful] Does this mean my job is over?
Peck: Oh Lord no!

[ Joey becomes visibly disappointed. ]

Joey: [disappointed] Oh, what do I do now?
Peck: You get to do all the stuff I don't feel like doing... Roomy!
Joey: Do you ever feel like doing anything?
Peck: No, not really.
Joey: Shit.


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NEXT: Part III and Power Trip
The actors' revenge.
The producer's taste.
Another producer's death.
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