Celebrity Deathmatch: Sliders Edition!
-- By HurriKain --

The Late Stacey Cornbred
Round Three

<The CD logo fades to reveal the announcers' booth... 40 feet above ground at the parking lot!>

J. Gomez: Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. As you can see, during the break we've had to relocate...

N. Diamond: Thats right, Johnny! Since the main fight is so big that we have to do it the ol' fashioned way....Take it OUTSIDE!!

J. Gomez: But if you are just joining us, you missed one hell of a cat fight.

<shows highlights of the Sabrina vs. Kari fight>

J. Gomez: The hatred between the two actresses exploded when the fight began. But things took a bizarre turn as Kari whipped up her secret weapon, a bionic bra.

N. Diamond: Now, I'm confused on where she got it, Victoria's Secret or the U. S. Army.

J. Gomez: Things looked bleak for Sabrina, but she displayed some of the quick thinking that made her Wade character famous. She disabled the bra and Kari along with it.

N. Diamond: Sliders night turned out to be a big success. But lets go to Tembi for specs on the ring.

Tembi Locke <in helicopter>: Thanks Nick!! To make this main fight a special one for the fans, we decided that the two super-producers will fight above the...WORMHOLE OF DEATH!!! The ring itself has no boundaries, no ropes. This sliding device here <points to the Kromagg sliding device used in "The Seer"> has been programmed with faulty coordinates and settings to make the wormhole deadly. Now,will you please excuse me.
<she holds both of the handles on the sliding device and presses a button. A streams of light flows from the other end to the top of the stadium and a gigantic red wormhole appears, but it looks unstable. Right above it was a flat surface, suspended by the pole surround the stadium>
Tembi: Back to you, Johnny.

J. Gomez: My God. That thing looks more like an angry beast.

N. Diamond: It looks undeniably deadly...I have to give Tembi her "props"...
J. Gomez: Er, Nick. What did I tell you about doing that...
N. Diamond: Oh, sorry.
J. Gomez: It seems that our two celebrity fighters are ready to duke it out.

<camera pans to an opening elevator with blue carpet in front of it>

J. Gomez <via PA>: In the blue corner, co-creator of Sliders....TRACY TORMÉ!
<Loud cheers are heard>
<Camera pans to the other open elevator, with red carpet in front of it>

J. Gomez <via PA> In the red corner, The Sliders tyrant since Season Three... DAVID PECKINPAH!


N. Diamond: Whoa, it looks like David isn't popular with the crowd.
J. Gomez: Before I forget. I'd like to introduce once more our special guest announcer, Cleavant Derricks.
C. Derricks: Hello.
J. Gomez: Any words on the two contenders?

C. Derricks: Well, when we first started the show, Tracy was a great guy to work with. Then as seasons progressed, David took the helm and took it to a different level. I know these two guys aren't on the best of terms but I try to stay out of other people's affairs.

N. Diamond: Nice words to live by.
J. Gomez: Back to the ring!

Mills Lane: I am a big Sliders fan myself and I would love for this fight to get underway, but keep in mind that I want a nice, clean fight. NOW LET'S GET IT ON!
<Mills walks over to a nearby helicopter>

<Immediately, Tormé and Peck go at it. Both of them deliver devastating blows.>

T. Tormé: Take that you fat idiot!
<gives Peck a hard right jab, but Peck comes back with a left hook>
D. Peckinpah: What the hell are talking about? Your show was CRAP before I signed on, and it's MY show now!
Tormé: You stupid bastard! <hard left> Like your "Quinn is from an alternate Earth and Earth Prime invaded by Kromaggs" idea. Oh, like that was really liked by fans, YOU DUMBASS!

Peckinpah: Hey, <right uppercut> at least I've brought "Imagination and Innovation" to the show.
Tormé: You thought "The Island of Dr. Moreau" would bring Imagination and Innovation to the show...along with countless other movie ripoffs!
Peckinpah: That's it, no one talks about my "movie tributes" like that!
Tormé: You really have been sitting in the dark, haven't you...

<Peck pulls out a whistle and blows, and monkeys started piling out from his elevator.>

C. Derricks: What the hell?!
J. Gomez: Monkeys?
N. Diamond: Not your ordinary monkeys, Johnny. That Peckinpah's entire writing staff.
C. Derricks: So THAT'S who's been writing those horrible scripts. I hate to say this, but Tracy, win this one for me.
J. Gomez: Thats the Deathmatch spirit, Cleavant.

Peckinpah: Its time to show this wuss what REAL writing is all about, sick 'em boys!
<the monkeys did as they were told and pounced on Tracy. Some were fighting him, some were jumping on him, and one was left in the corner scratching his ass.>
Peckinpah: Bobo! Get your ass up and help your brothers! Sheesh, ever since he wrote "Easy Slider", he thinks he's Hollywood material.

<Tormé finally gained the upper hand and fought the monkeys off of him, sending them off the ring and into the wormhole>

Tormé: Hey guys!
<Coming out of Tormé's elevator, were the Season 2 Kromaggs>
Tormé: You're not the only one with pets here, Pecker!
Peck: Good thing I thought ahead...<lets out a whistle, and the Season 4 Kromaggs come runing out of his elevator> Aw, you must've realized that your wussy Kromaggs paled in camparison against my killing machines. HAHAHA! Get 'em boys!
<S4 Kromaggs charge>
Tormé: CHARGE!
<S2 Kromaggs charge>

C. Derricks: Oh my god!
J. Gomez: This is turning out to be a Kromagg Slugfest!
N. Diamond: The classic versus the new version!
<One by one, each Kromagg gets knocked off the ring, leaving one S2 Kromagg behind, but he is soon knocked off by a flying folder>

Peckinpah <holding a bunch of folders>: I knew these things would come in handy someday...

J. Gomez: What is that?
N. Diamond: It seems to be Peckinpah's scripts that never made it into production.

Peckinpah: Hey Tracy, this is my homage to the film "The Blair Witch Project",<throws folder> "Witch Hassle"!
<The folder hits Tormé in the gut, but doesn't do any external damage.>

Peckinpah <throws another folder>: And my homage to the blockbuster "The Matrix"... "The Quantum Matrix". You're gonna love it, Kari in tight shiny leather. She's dead now, but she can be replaced. Hehehehe.
<the folder was like a flying saw and when Tormé dodges it, it slices through part of his shoulder.>

Tormé <grunting in pain>: You and...your half-...brained ideas.
Peckinpah: Hey, its a parallel world, who cares! <throws another folder> And now, my masterpiece, a homage to "The Sixth Sense"...
<This time, Tormé was prepared. He pulled a golden folder from his pocket, deflecting the incoming shot>

C. Derricks: Whoa!
N. Diamond: Oh... my... God!
J. Gomez: What is it?
N. Diamond: It's the lost "Heat of the Moment" script. Tormé's final Sliders masterpiece, but sadly, it never made it into production.

<Peck kept hurling his ripoffs at the Sliders creator, but Tormé kept marching on, deflecting every shot. And Peck has just run out of folders.>

Peckinpah <nervously>: C'mon Tracy. We can talk about this...really? <starts backing up> You and I can be a team!
Creative differences aside, you know?
<Peck soon found himself at the edge of the ring, one more step meant that he will be a goner>
Tormé: This...<holds up the golden folder>...is what REAL CREATIVE WRITING is about...
<after that statement, Tormé gave Peck one final whack with the folder, sending Peck flying into the deadly wormhole below, which closed right after he entered>

Mills Lane: And the winner is....TRACY TORMÉ!

<camera pans to the three announcers on the ground>

J. Gomez: What an amazing fight!
C. Derricks: It sure was!
N. Diamond: One of the greatest we ever had!
J. Gomez: Sliders night was a big success. If this doesn't wake up the folks at Sci-Fi, nothing will.
C. Derricks: Well, I had fun. It wasn't easy watching the people that I worked with for the past few years duke it out, but I found it very entertaining.
N. Diamond: You know what, Cleavant? You're one hell of a guy.
<Everyone cheers loudly and starts shouting "Remmy! Remmy! Remmy!". Suddenly JOC burst through the crowd.>

JOC: That's it, your day in the sun has come to an end! <Runs up to punch Cleavant, but someone stops him in his tracks and knocks JOC out with a hard right.>

C. Derricks: Whoa!
J. Gomez: Who are you?
HurriKain <rubs his hand>: I'm the writer.
J. Gomez: Oh...carry on.
<HK walks away>
J. Gomez: So this concludes our Sliders edition of Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez.
N. Diamond: And I'm Nick Diamond.
J. Gomez: Good Fight...Good Night!

The End

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