The Phone Booth Conspiracy Theory
Hi there! Due to a profoundly disturbing accident involving a magic lamp and several tins of corned beef, my name is Garrett Deaver. I'm on this page to let you in on the greatest story ever told: the saga of the PHONE BOOTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, right, so you'll notice that in the classic run of 'Sliders' there are four episodes which prominently feature phone booths. In order of airing, these are:
Further analysis reveals - you guessed it - FOUR EPISODES starring Jake the Gardener. Again in order of airing:
Uncanny, huh? Aside from the different air order, that's the EXACT SAME LIST of eps with phone booths. So one night I go to bed, muttering, 'What's going on here? Why does that 7:-#ing booth accompany Jake the Gardener wherever he goes? Suppose it's always the same Jake, who's a master of disguise madly following the Sliders? So good with disguises, he can put on a completely different face and convince Mrs. Mallory he's the same person? And maybe that booth is where he changes clothes! Like Superman! What do you think, dear?'
Anyway, the couch was so 7:-# uncomfortable, I ended up watching an old rerun of 'Doctor Who' on the "Science Fiction With Grumpy Old Weenies" channel. Right as the credits were rolling and either "Lost In Space" or "Cocoon IV: The Voyage to the Home" was about to kick in, it hit me like a tonne of bricks hooked up to a PVT-V6 engine and fed liquid solidium fuel in gaseous form:
No, not the guy who rents out a time-share condominium. I'm talking one of those geezers who travels the continuum in a duffel coat and laughs in the face of things he really has no reason to. This very neatly explained what he was doing with a phone booth, not to mention why he was snickering like a drunken tractor racer from a Shania Twain video at the beginning of 'Into the Mystic.'
Now that I had over half a page of groundless theorizations in hand, the only things left to do were fill the rest with irrelevant doodlings:
With the several years of idleness the wait for publication afforded me, I was able to refine my theory further. I caught sight of additional booths even in Peck-era episodes such as "Revelations." I learned that the letters in "Phone Booth World" can be rearranged into "Down Hoop Brothel." Yes, these were heady times.
Anyway, I want you to forget everything I've just said. Pretend you never heard it. Because somewhere out there, there's an even profound-er truth about phone booths that needs decoding. Plus, I've just punched my computer monitor for no apparent reason, and while I've staunched the bleeding for now, this is gonna require surgery.
- Garrett Deaver, aka Jacob Epstein