Billy Shears' Interview With Peckinpah
[A takeoff on BillyShears' infamous 'anti-fanfic' post on the Sliders BBoard.]
PECKINPAH: Isn't that the guy from that song? "Sergeant Pecker's Lonely Hearts Club Band?" That's my favourite album, you know.
RECEPTIONIST: Uhhh... yeah. Here, I'll put him on.
PECK: I always did admire the Beatles, because they didn't know how to spell 'beetle' right. I had the same problem in school. I always spelled it with three 'E's in a row.
PECK: I could never remember to put that fourth 'E' in... Oh, hey.
SHEARS: Yes, I'm calling about a spec script I've written for Sliders... Basically it examines the purpose of life in a seemingly deterministic universe, from a balanced ontological perspective. It's about a world making extensive use of nanotechnology in an attempt to elevate intelligence to the point of singularity.
PECK: Yeah, that sounds good. Uh, what movie is it a take on?
PECK: No-one's going to relate to all those concepts if they haven't seen them in a movie. You used the word "universe;" could we make it "Universal Soldier"?
SHEARS: I don't think you understand here. I'm trying to raise public consciousness about the possible ultimate fate of all humanity.
PECK: Uh-huh. Well, there's a time and a place for everything... and it's called 'fanfic.'
SHEARS: But fanfic is all inane drivel!
PECK: Oh, I know! I agree, it's, it's mushy, sentimental garbage... I even saw one where Quinn was crying! Just because he'd abandoned his best friend to alien rape camps! Hell, I've read tons of that crap and I haven't seen them pay homage to a movie even once.
SHEARS: So what do you want me to do, huh?
PECK: Go write for Voyager. I hear they have no standards at all.
PECK: Yeah, you probably belong with those losers. Nine main characters at once? And would you believe they've had over two dozen alien races as adversaries, and not one of them was dressed up like Nazis?? Idiots! How's a typical American supposed to make heads or tails of sh** like that?
SHEARS: You know what? I'm going to go write that fanfic after all.
PECK: Don't bother, moron! Just sell it to Homicide, they suck so much they do crossovers! With that other stupid show, "Law and Order!" Crossovers suck!!
PECK: You know? In spite of everything... I like his attitude.