[ EARTH 69 ]

Episode 2.3 | The Guardian

    TRACY TORMÉ: Hello?
    DAVID PECKINPAH: Yeah, hey, this is Dave Peckinpah. The guy you said in an interview was "a few tears short of a Cryin' Man concert"?
    TT: Mm. Yes, I remember.
    DP: I never understood what you meant by that. I mean, who the hell is the "Cryin' Man"?
    TT: Let's cut to the chase here... to what do I owe the honour?
    DP: Well, we've decided to use your script "The Guardian" after all, and we'd like your input.
    TT: "The Guardian." I don't suppose you'll be wanting to make a few changes, like spelling the title backwards?
    DP: "Naidraug Eht." Nah, can't think of anything we can do with that. If it were "The Gurdian" we could get "drug" out of it, and then we could do an agellory-whatsit on drugs. That'd be cool. We could, like, bring back that Bennish girl from Season One and have her all doped up on codeine.
    TT: Bennish "girl"? No. No, I don't want to know.
    DP: Anyway, we've had to rewrite the dialogue a little, since Wade and that fat guy are gone. Basically we gave all their lines to Maggie. It's this really great scene; she's standing there doing both their roles at once. She switches hats to play someone else. Kari's a fantastic actress. You should really come down and see her putting on those hats. [growling suggestively] GrrROWwrrr!
    TT: Riiiiiiiight... But, uh, are you going to stay true to the basic themes in the show? Have you changed Miss Hanley into a werewolf or something?
    DP: A werewolf? Ha! Haha! What do you take me for, some kind of idiot?
    TT: Well, I may have been overly quick to...
    DP: We're saving the werewolf for a good episode! It's called "Walk Like An Egyptian Slider," and it has the Wolfman, the Mummy, and whatsisname, King Tut! You know, the bad guy from Batman. There's also the pyramid's architect, and since we're paying homage to "Batman" he's called "Mr. Frieze." Get it? Anyway, they all get in a big fight inside this pyramid, and there's this CGI man-eating scarab bug.
    TT: Look, are you going to do the damn show the way I wrote it??
    DP: Hey, hey, calm down. We've only made one other change.
    TT [skeptically]: Oh, really?
    DP: Yeah, you know that scene where the fat guy and the others are going to see that opera, "The Magic Flute?"
    TT: Right...
    DP: We expanded that a little. Basically it's the focus of the story.
    TT: The focus of the story...
    DP: They see the opera, and it's about, like, this magic flute, and - you remember that vampire musical we did last year? "The Count Is Back?"
    TT: Dear Lord...
    DP: There was this scene where Remmy gets blasted by a magical guitar. Well in this episode, they see the Magic Flute show, and it inspires Quinn to give that kid a magical musical instrument of his own, to fight off those bullies. And he builds him his own Magic Flute. He's a scientist; he knows all that magic stuff. But then, see there's this bad-ass Guardian dude who comes to punish those who build magical instruments without his permission. 'Cause otherwise, why call it "The Guardian?" There was no guardian anywhere in it.
    TT [flatly]: So you've turned my story about Quinn facing his personal demons into a battle with the Flute Demon from Hell.
    DP: Well, not just flutes. He also does, like tambourines and stuff. We could use "Mr. Tambourine Man." William Shatner did that. So are you going to help out, here? Hey - I'll even throw in the man-eating scarab bug after all.
    TT: *Click*
    DP: Sheesh. Some people just can't handle talking to a superior intellect.

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